Thoughts and a Full Heart

Where do I even start?

As we wait to receive our court date our minds have been churning and processing all that has happened in these short four months. If all still goes smoothly we will receive our court date soon and travel back to Africa within a couple of weeks to legally adopt the children. We then have to wait for the US to process their end which takes roughly 1-3months, and then we can bring the kids home.

This whole adoption process is crazy on so many levels, it's really challenging to articulate exactly what our experience has been and where we're at. There's so many emotions, processes, paperwork and details to sort through...sometimes I feel like I'm a little crazy.

It is sort of like being pregnant and going through pregnancy and labor, but yet completely different all at the same time.

Emotions, logistics, money, details, hormones...it's all one big ball that keeps going around and around and we are right in the middle of it.

Sometimes it's so confusing to try to process through everything so we just hold on tight and dare to enjoy the ride we're on.

Adoption. It's exciting, scary, vulnerable, hard, exhausting, beautiful...it's so many things. When people say "Congratulations," or, "What you're doing is so great"...I don't know how to respond. If my response isn't much it's because I'm trying to keep up with all the things adoption is and all the things I'm learning through it. I want to say '"Thanks," or, "Yes, it is great and we are so excited!" and let myself embrace all the beauty in it...but it's also a lot of unknown and a lot of things to process--and all those things flood my head and often its hard for me to find words.

I don't have words for what it feels like to attach to children that I didn't birth, how I love them but I don't even know them. I don't know how to explain that they feel like they are part of me and our family, yet I've never met them.

I can't explain what it's like to have the lingering reality in the back of my mind that this whole thing could fall apart at any time...and how I have to choose not to let that frighten me from moving forward. How I have to choose to take a step of faith, every day, to let myself love, believe and hope. And on those days when the kids feel like strangers, and I feel like this is all  too hard and too much for me handle...I have to let go of myself and choose those kids, and choose God and what his purpose is in all of this.

It's also difficult for me to express the process of mourning. Mourning the time we've already lost with the kids, and the time we are currently missing as they grow everyday waiting there, and we are waiting here. And what it looks like to mourn our current family dynamics and our biological children and how life for all us will change. Mourning the plans I thought our futures held, and mourning the comfort of our routine.

And I also cannot describe how full my heart is, and how incredibly excited I am. I have been moved to tears countless times thinking about our children and about bringing them home. And finding myself surprised at just how much I love them. I find myself surprised at how easy some parts have been. And I'm still awed at how quickly the doors have opened and how greatly God has provided for us and continues to do so. I can't describe the ways He's worked in my heart and the things He's already shown me and taught me through this.

And so when I doubt that I can mother six kids well, or doubt that we can help kids heal--and be what they need, when I doubt if funds will come in, if our house has enough room, or if this is all for good for every one of us...I let go of it all and I trust. I remind myself that when children are added to a family love doesn't get divided amongst them, but love grows. I remind myself of the work that has already been done and how it has all been so good. Over and over again I am met with an overwhelming peace and assurance. So I put my hope is in Him and not in myself. Not in my ability to welcome children into our family, but in His power, provision and strength. That He has and will continue to equip me, that He is always enough. That it's not about me. It's not about the kids either, it's about something greater.

So my mind may be full as I process through all of these emotions and feelings, but I let that go. My hands may be full as I process the reality of what it means to adopt three children from Africa, but I let that go too. Instead, I step, everyday and trust. I dare to hope and I believe. I let myself be excited because He is enough for me. And I rest in Him.

And because of that, my heart is so incredibly full.



If you'd like to support our adoption financially visit this link or contact us directly. Thank you for being a part of our story!
https://www.gofundme.com/wardadoption6

Arrows of Ivory and Africa

I can't believe this week has already arrived. The weeks leading up to this time have blown by and as things fall in place and life continues on so much has happened in these short couple months that it's hard to keep up.

Andy leaves for Africa this week! He gets to go see our kids and meet them for the first time in person. We are at the point in our adoption journey where we have to establish a relationship with the children so he gets to go to west Africa and meet them! We have been corresponding with them over these months and have gotten to see their faces and hear their voices...and we have gotten to hear bits and pieces of their personalities, likes and character through friends that have visited the center and have met them personally...but now Andy actually gets to meet them and talk face to face.  We are quite excited. :) 

Though, I admit, I am a bit jealous. But getting to send them a care package helps a little and makes me feel like a small part of me is going with Andy to visit them, so I have been busy packing a suitcase of things...a backpack for each with some fun things like a stuffed animal, candy, colorings, pictures of us, etc. As well as some things for all the kids at the center. 

It'll be hard to have Andy away from home and hard not to be there with him--I am thankful to have a big project to keep me busy. While he is away I will be working on the debut of a little boutique my good friend, Jill, and I are partnering on. She is also adopting from the same country we are and we've decided to put our creative minds together and start a little online/craft-fair boutique to raise money to help bring our kids home. 

We have been working hard these last several weeks making things for children...bonnets, baprons, bandana bibs and headbands. This weekend will be our first craft fair to display and sell our product and we hope to get it up online as well. We've decided to call ourselves, Arrows of Ivory, an adoption fundraising boutique. 'Arrows' representing children (based off of Psalms 127:4 "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.") and 'Ivory' meaning precious. It's been fun preparing, but it's been a lot of work, so we are hopeful this will be a big success!

So here we are, getting ready for the big events to happen this week, needless to say we've been pretty busy! As we prepare and scramble we are also thankful...thankful for these opportunities, even the small ones in the everyday because all of this is called life, and we want to live it fully. 

Willow's Birth Story

A few weeks before my due date I thought I was in labor. It sent me into a spiral of feelings that surfaced and it was then that I felt like labor started for me.

See, labor is greatly mental. And that mental battle is different for everyone...but for me, this birth was 95% mental and 5% physical.

It was about three weeks before my due date when I began to drown in all the fears and anxiety I had shoved down over the course of the last nine months. As they surfaced I was taken by surprised because I didn't really have to deal with those feelings with my other pregnancies. Or, maybe dealing with them just looked a lot different. But if I am completely honest, I was dreading labor. Complete and utter dread. Every time I would remember the births of my other children all I could see was the intensity of it, the pain, how uncomfortable it was...and I was reminded that I had never wanted to experience those things again. Yet--I was about to.

I didn't know how to process it. Rational and irrational thoughts tumbled around and there were moments I would shake from anxiety and feel sick to my stomach.

I told myself I was being silly. I knew I could do it. Other people kept telling me I could do it. I knew I had to do it. I had spent my entire first pregnancy educating myself about birth and I felt confident in my body's ability to do it. I reminded myself of all the positive things about birth and tried to reflect on the positive experiences of my other births and how empowering they were.  But somehow all the hard parts about birth was all I could see...and I couldn't shake the thoughts...I couldn't shake the feelings that would tidal wave over me.

I talked to my midwife and she encouraged me to let go of all expectations. She told me that this process I was going through just might be the hardest part of labor for me.

And it was. And I struggled. My mind was weak. I tried to process through each thing as it came at me--but I would lose myself. I was trying to do it alone...and the only thing I was accomplishing was burying things deeper and covering it up.

Its hard to surrender. It's hard to let go of control. Not only to my body as it grew a child, changed, packed on weight, and ached with pain--but to surrender to God as he worked in my heart and continued to shape me...an uncomfortable process just like a pregnancy. But that's exactly what needed to happen. And this was a whole new level in my heart. It's funny how many layers there are to the sin in your heart...I am reminded of that Shrek analogy of an onion and peeling away the layers. Once you feel like your onion has been peeled you realize there is yet another layer and just how deep the layers go.

It's hard to strip away yourself and let go.

Its hard to hold captive your thoughts and choose to focus on God and to keep pressing on even when it's difficult.

It's hard to simply trust...to trust the process of it all.

I was reminded of the cross. And how Jesus suffered for me. How before he faced the cross he begged for there to be another way...he sweated blood with the weight of what was to come. I resonated with that dread as I faced labor. But I knew that because Jesus loves me and died for me I could suffer through pregnancy and labor for the love my child. Pregnancy and birth was a reflection of Christ's love...and what a privilege to get to partake in that.

This wasn't just something I had to do. It was something I got to do.

As I struggled through the false labor episodes and the thoughts that would wave over me, Jesus was there. When thoughts and pains would overwhelm me and when I felt out of control, I looked to Jesus and he graciously covered me with peace and comfort. It was because of him I was able to surrender and let go..and experience Willow's birth the way I that I did...

_____________

Saturday morning I woke up early with contractions that were 10 minutes apart. By the time my husband and kids woke up and breakfast was made and eaten, I decided to call my midwife and tell her I was in labor--Andy started filling the birth tub.

Within an hour after the call my contractions stopped. It was hard not to get caught up in feeling frustrated and annoyed, but my plan all along was to ignore labor until it couldn't be ignored anymore...so I tried to push all thoughts of labor out of my head and go about my day as I normally would.

As I did laundry and things around the house I noticed I was having a couple contractions every hour--they were hard, achy/crampy and all things labor-like...but there was no rhyme or rhythm to them. So I ignored them...and went sledding with my family instead. After pulling on whatever cold-weather clothing I could fit into, I trudged through the snow with my family to a field behind our house. It was very distracting to watch my kids fly down the hill, I barely noticed the contractions I was having.

At this point in my pregnancy I despised cooking and clean-up...so we decided to go to Subway for  dinner. On the way to town I noticed my two-an-hour contractions turned into 10-minutes-apart contractions. While waiting in line to order I had three very powerful contractions back to back that I had to stop and breathe through...and both my husband I started to panic a little.

It was probably pretty comical watching us decide if we should leave or stay at the restaurant--we would decide to leave, then decide to stay, then to leave, then to say...in the end, we sat down to eat and hurried through dinner.

Of course, on the way home my contractions had lightened and slowed to very sporadic again.

I crawled into bed at 8:30 that evening, exhausted emotionally and mentally from trying not to play the labor-guessing-game all day and keeping my mind from getting worked up about it. I fell asleep within minutes.

At 9:45pm I was woken up by a very strong contraction and my body was shaking. I took note of the time and it wasn't long before I realized my contractions were 7 minutes apart. This was it. Though, honestly, there was a huge part of me that doubted this would last and thought it would just up and stop at any point. I called my midwife around 10:15 and told her labor had started again, she told me she was ready to leave and to call her when I wanted her to come/when things picked up more.

I didn't wake Andy and just went back to bed. I laid on my left side with my left leg straight and my right leg bent in front of me and propped up--I had read this was a good laying position to help things progress and I wanted to rest as much as I could.

I don't think I slept a wink--but I definitely rested for a little over an hour before I felt the need to move--my contractions had picked up quite a bit and were much closer together and laying was getting uncomfortable. Around 11:30pm I woke Andy up and moved to the bathroom. It felt so good to be at a sitting position on the toilet that I ended up (sorry, TMI moment...) straddling the toilet and laboring there. I asked Andy to call the midwife for me...and while he was on the phone with her I realized just how powerful and close my contractions were--and I told him to tell my midwife that I wanted to get in the tub soon. The midwife told Andy that she wanted me to wait to get in the tub until she got there...I was bummed because things were pretty intense already, but I waited.

Andy sat on a stool behind me and rubbed my back as I labored, timing my contractions, they were 2-3 minutes apart for the hour that it took for my midwife to arrive. It was getting harder to stay relaxed during each contraction and I focused on my breathing. At this point I started wrestling with thoughts of remember what was coming and not wanting to do it. I had to fight letting the pain scare me--the more I focused on it the more it hurt. I knew I just needed to embrace it and focus on staying relaxed despite what I felt.

My midwife arrived at 12:45am...Sunday, February 7th. She listened to the baby's heartbeat and told me I could get in the tub. I asked if she needed to check me and she said no...I didn't argue.

It was around 1am when I slipped into the tub...it was heaven! The familiar warm water swallowed me and soothed my body. I had no idea how progressed I was, I didn't know what time it was or how much longer this was going to take...I was just in my own head focused on what was happening in my body. I remember wishing I had known how progressed I was...but I'm glad I didn't because I think that would have hindered me from relaxing as far as I did--it didn't matter anyway. I didn't have the temptation to think about it so it was easy to just put it past me.

My midwife showed Andy how to put counter pressure on my back during the contractions as they intensified. That was so helpful! It helped alleviate some of the pressure as the baby moved through the birth canal. We labored like that for a little while until the counter-pressure did absolutely nothing to help with sensations anymore. Things felt so intense--but I knew there wasn't anything to take away the pressure and I just needed to remain focused and endure until the end. I asked Andy to come in front of me where I was leaning against the side of the tub--and I grabbed his hands. I needed him to be there, this was it...the hardest part was coming.

I had to keep my mind in check about doubting that I could do it, I had to fight letting myself feel like giving up. I wanted to give in to the intensity of what was happening, my body wanted to scream of its exhaustion, it wanted to feel the pain and get lost in its chaos, it wanted to give up fighting.

As each contraction increased and hit hard I chose to let go of what I felt and focus on God--all I could do was simply think his name as the pain roared in my face threatening to devour me whole...but it was enough. He helped me in my weakness...when I couldn't do it anymore and I was so tired all I could do was think his name, He was there. By His grace I wasn't only able to manage the pain but I was able to relax my body in the midst of it--in a way I can't even describe. In a way I didn't with my other labors. I remember thinking, How am I doing this? It was so intense, everything was on fire and the pressure was overwhelming, yet my bottom relaxed despite it all in a way that was not by my power. In a way that when I felt like I needed to push, and my midwife encouraged me to listen to my body and push if I needed to, I was able to relax instead and breathe as my body pushed for me. I know that sounds bizarre and I can't really explain it, but instead of straining I could relax as a contraction hit and my body just sort of pushed as I breathed through the pressure. I was able to completely surrender and let what was happening to me...just happen.

Suddenly I felt a large twinge/burst that hurt really bad but felt really good at the same time--I remember saying "ow! ow!" I was so deep in focusing that I didn't know what had happened and I barely heard my midwife say, "I see a little face!" 

Wait, what? I birthed her head? That's what that was? It took a few moments for it to sink it. My water had broke and then instantly after that her head was completely born in one swift movement. I was so shocked...at this point I thought it would still be awhile to push the baby out, but yet somehow I just birthed her head without hardly trying--physically, at least. Which meant, only one more contraction for the body!

That last contraction barely even hurt as I pushed the last of her out. The relief you feel at the end of labor is indescribable. To feel so much intensity, to work so hard, and then for it to be over in one moment...it's incredible and so empowering. And so worth it. Then to be able to scoop your baby up in your arms, feel their little wriggly body against yours and to stare into a face that you already know but have never seen--it's a magical moment.

Meeting Willow for the first time was almost like experiencing something in slow motion. I pulled her up out of the water and her arms danced gracefully around her, I was completely taken by her sweet pink little face. She captivated me. She was so precious. So perfect.

It took me a few days to process my labor with Willow. The first whole day all I could remember was the intensity of it, how hard it was, and how I never wanted to do it again. But after a couple of days I started to remember all the little details and could see the grace of it all...the gentle flow from start to finish, the ease at at which, by God's grace, I was able to manage it. How gently she came out and how graceful her first moments in this world were. It was by far my easiest labor physically, the effort I had to pour into it physically was easy. But, it was by far my toughest labor mentally, the effort I had to pour into it mentally was a war.

From start to finish, labor was just over four hours long.

I am so thankful for the experience of Willow's birth. All of it. Even the ups and downs of pre-labor-mind-anxiety. I am so thankful to see God's hand at work through it all...as he revealed things to me before and during labor, and how he blessed us with such a beautiful, healthy little girl.

Willow was born Sunday morning, February 7th, at 2:05am. She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz. and was 21 inches long.

It took us three days to name her...but we confidently settled on Willow Ivory...which means "graceful and precious."

The First Yes

When I said yes, I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't know what to except...but I certainly didn't expect for my heart to be turned upside down so quickly. I didn't expect to make big decisions from the beginning and I certainly didn't expect that I would have to be decide to say yes repeatedly. It's never been more apparent to me that saying yes is entirely different than taking action on a yes. I knew what yes meant, but I didn't really know. 

A simple yes can hold so much weight that it's scary. And with a simple yes big decisions are made. I am beginning to feel the winds of change stir in and all around me...and I can either choose to try and hold on tightly and keep myself fixated where I'm at...or I can let the wind carry me wherever it pleases.

See, I liked where I was. I felt comfortable in that spot. It was an easy spot. A spot that was clear...so it really should not be a surprise to me that the wind picked up.

It shouldn't surprise me that in that spot I had the most clarity--in that spot I said yes certainly. Because in that spot--the calm before the storm...or perhaps, the calm after a storm--you can see a little bit of the bigger picture...and you can say yes, and mean yes with assurance. Because when the wind picks up things get cloudy...and sometimes reflecting on that spot where yes was certainty is the only thing that keeps you moving forward...amongst doubt, confusion, fear--that first yes was the start and that was right...so this is right...and you trust in that first yes, even when it doesn't make sense.


We first said yes to adoption in February. There was once a tug on our hearts to adopt a long time ago, and we felt that tug again at the beginning of the year. I will never forget the clarity Andy and I both had that moment we looked at each other...and almost as if we were sharing the news of a baby conceived...we knew with certainty what we were suppose to do.

So we said yes.

Yes to the unknown, yes to a journey we had no clue where it would take us. Yes to a journey which would take intricate detail. Yes to a journey which could lead to a dead end.

And, yes to a journey which could lead to a legacy.

But with a yes you need action...or its empty. And I struggled with being stuck at that start. Desiring to prepare for the journey ahead but knowing I didn't know how. Trying to chart a course but not knowing the coordinates. Sometimes preparation is necessary--but sometimes spontaneity is required. Sometimes the necessary thing isn't planning...but instead, just going. Trusting and stepping forward. It's my nature to be organized and plan...I like order, I like to know what's going to happen or have a good idea what to expect...so I really shouldn't be surprised that this journey is a journey that requires me to let go of all of that. That I can't move forward without letting go of what's holding me back.

So I said yes, again, I will keep saying yes until the door is shut or the finish is crossed.

And this, right here, is saying yes. Sharing. Because I realized that part of my silence was the tight grasp I had on my nature of preparation and that sharing meant for me to let go. And so I trust. Now. I step. I share.

It's funny. We mailed off our application today to officially start the process and here I am able to finally write these words. I had a post I started a week ago...and another one a couple weeks before that, all are left unfinished. Writers block. Abandoned with confusion and loss.

Yet, today I said yes again. I acted. I moved forward...and I wrote.

Funny how that works.

A Big Deal

"I can't do it!!!" 

A phrase I'm sure you've heard if you have kids. Even if you don't have kids and have babysat once or twice...you've probably heard it too.

It's a whining phrase I hear a lot from my daughter, and if I'm honest I've somehow managed to become insensitive to it. It's has become more taxing to my ears and a source of annoyance rather than an opportunity to understand, teach and show love to my child.

My daughter wants to do the monkey bars on our playground outside...SO badly, but she gets frustrated instantly when she can't do it. She is a smart and determined little girl, but she pretty much thinks things should just come easily and instantly because she wants it.

Sound familiar?

She has been practicing and practicing and gets so excited when she makes it across with little help--but when she comes crashing down it is the end of the world. Well, to her.

It is quite the emotional reaction...let me tell you. You would definitely think the world was ending if you witnessed it.

I have a difficult time having patience with such drama. The intense emotional overreaction. It's because I've put a block up every time that phrase comes up: "I can't do it!!!" See, it's plain to me because I see the big picture--that she has to keep doing it over and over again to build muscle, get the coordination and gain confidence. I know she CAN do it...she just has to stop fussing about it and keep trying. But to her--when she falls, she believes she won't ever be able to. Making it across alone seems entirely unattainable--and that's all she sees.

This is just the monkey bars. To me it's simple, but to her this isn't just some silly little play structure--it's something she desires, yearns for, it's a big mountain for her to climb in her little life. It's not just the monkey bars to her, it's a big deal. 

As I was trying to help my daughter conquer the monkey bars and she fell and let out a gigantic whine...again. I wanted to heave a huge sigh and scold her for her intense reaction. Sometimes hearing those noises that escape from a frustrated child can grate on your nerves...and they were definitely grating mine. But thankfully in that instant God convicted me of my heart.

I saw myself in her reaction. I've been there...I've done that...maybe not about monkey bars, but about other mountains I've had to climb in my life. See, monkey bars are a big deal to a five year old who only knows a small part of life. I only know a small part of life too--when I really think about it, so my mountains--even if they really aren't that big, are a big deal to me too. So when my daughter burst out irrationally because she was consumed with the feeling of failure and frustration--I recognized myself. How many times have I thrown an adult-temper-tantrum because I couldn't do something? How many times have I whined because I couldn't have something I wanted? How many times have I believe life just isn't fair as I've watched other people swing from wrung to wrung and I can't make it past the first one? How many times have I blamed everyone else for not helping me when I am not even helping myself?

In that instant I saw how God is towards me...and how I should be towards my child and her irrationality. Thankfully the dreadful parent-sigh didn't escaped my lips and the desire to let it out vanished, instead I was filled with understanding for my daughter's outcry and had compassion for how intensely she felt. I bent down and gathered her in my arms and let her cry.

"It's hard, isn't it, honey?"

She nodded with another cry and sank into my arms.

"It's so frustrating to slip when you're trying so hard..."

She nodded again--her whining stopping.

I looked her in the eye. "You CAN do it, honey. Sometimes you will fall and that's okay. That's part of learning how to do it."

She looked at me with wide-eyes and sniffled away her tears. I understood her and believed in her, and she knew that, and that's all she needed. It's amazing how a heart can feel so greatly with such little words.

The thing is...my daughter knows how to do the monkey bars. She physically can do it. She has the strength, the coordination...I barely have to touch her to in order for her to make it across to the other side. But my sweet, cautious, girl doesn't quite have the confidence to do it alone. That is still a characteristic that is being built as she practices and falls, over and over again. She doesn't understand that's what's happening--that she is being refined to be more confident in her ability...she just knows she wants to be able to do it. But I understand, I can see the big picture. And as her mother I can choose to empower her, treat her intense feelings with respect, and lovingly guide her steps as she struggles to climb this mountain in her life.

Or I can stand there and sigh because I'm overwhelmed with my own feelings, and scold her for her for her reaction--which isn't only opening up the door for shame to invade her heart but to crush it, and destroy the confidence that she is working so hard to achieve.

Whether she knows that is what's going on or not.

So maybe it is just the monkey bars, but it IS a big deal. It's a big mountain.

A Little Lady Turns 5!

It's hard to believe this little girl is five already!

 Wow. How did that happen so fast? It feels like just yesterday we met her for the first time:

I can hardly stand how quickly she is growing up, but it's so fun to see her unfold into a beautiful little lady.

She is energetic, thoughtful, compassionate, imaginative, cautious yet bold, 

creative, expressive, delicate, full of joy and very girly. 

Her ability to reason and express herself amazes me. She constantly says things that surprise me and understands so much. It has been interesting to see her personality of order and attention to details come alive...she cleans her room on a regular basis without being told, she carefully selects her outfits each day and folds her clothes to put away if they are still clean, she likes to line up her shoes, organize her books and straighten her belongings...just because she wants to. She shows such care and connects with her surroundings and she is silly and playful all at the same time. The way she carries herself, interacting with other people and while at home, makes me smile constantly--she truly has the essence of a true girl.

Except when she eats birthday cake...

She absolutely, most definitely, loves loves loves her baby doll. Currently named "Della." (It was Samantha for a very long time.) Della goes with her everywhere...all day. She loves to care for her, dress her and plays with her whatever she is doing. 

Vienna is also quite the Daddy's girl. There is no one greater in her life than her daddy. 

 Vienna wanted to have a horse-themed birthday with decorations of light pink and white.

She requested to go ice-skating for her birthday, and have her cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents over for cake and ice cream.

Her cake choice was chocolate, with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, and chocolate ice cream.

And she wanted a big birthday hat. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET GIRL!!!

We ask a list of questions every year on the kids' birthdays to see how the list changes from year to year, some of her answers are the same as last years!

Vienna's Favorites:

COLOR:  light pink
FOOD:  eggs & toast
FRUIT:  grapefruit 
TOY:  "Della" my doll
THING TO DO:  Play with Finley
MOVIE:  Nanny McPhee 2
GAME:  Dominoes
SONG:  "the ones I make up"
BOOK:  princess storybook (Mary Engelbreit's Fairy Tales)
THING TO WEAR:  Dresses
ANIMAL:  Penguins...actually, ALL the animals
DRINK:  Juice

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?:  A Mommy

Hello again

I think I feel strange writing this because so much time has passed--I'm slightly embarrassed by that fact. It's been far, far, far too long...

There's a part of me that is a bit terrified to put myself out there and let people into my thoughts and life. And I think that's what's stopped me from writing this first post sooner.

I have had the desire to blog again for awhile, but I simply couldn't part with all my old posts--however badly written they may be, or however sad some of them may sound. But that is past, and that's part of what has brought me to today, so I can't part with them. I'm a different person than I was a couple years ago and I will be a different person in a couple years from now...and I want to be intentional now about sharing life with others...and for me, blogging is a way for me to do that.

I am quite a thinker and a feeler, and I express myself best through writing. The things I say always sound better in my head and I often feel like most of the things that come out of my mouth don't make much sense--even though it makes perfect sense in my head. Hah. :) So for me to really reflect involves writing, and that's part of why I want to start blogging again.

So I've updated the look of my page, changed the name--hopefully more features will come with time, but I will put this on here officially so you can yell at me when I start to slack: My goal is to post once a week to start, and eventually start posting twice a week on a regular basis.

Though, I have one thing to say to my readers...

I love comments. Love, love, LOVE them.

They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My primary love language is words of affirmation--so literally they make me feel loved. ;)

I have recently re-read through several of my old posts and one of my favorite parts of doing that was reading the comments that were left! I know a lot of folks comment on Facebook, which is great too but if you remember--try to comment on my blog post. That way they are saved and I can re-read them in two years when I do this again ,and I'll feel all warm, fuzzy and loved all over again. :)

Thanks for all the encouragement I've received to start doing this again--and thanks in advance to you all that will read! I'm looking forward to it!

The Birthday Girl

Vienna, you're birthday just keeps getting funner and funner every year. As we watch you grow it is such a joy to celebrate your new age and look ahead at all that awaits for you in your new year. 

Your excitement leading up to your 4th birthday was in high gear. In fact, you had a countdown started before Christmas! Your only request for your birthday was to have cake with candles. You were very specific about the candles…so I made sure to let you pick them out for your special day. 

I didn't think it was possible but every year my love for you just grows and grows. You are such a delight and not a day passes by that my heart isn't bursting with love for my special girl. You are joy itself. You love to make people laugh, you are so funny and playful. You are incredibly receptive, the way you show compassion and empathy amazes me. You are strong and you stand up for yourself, and for others. You are confident and independent. One of my most favorite things about you is the power you have in your words. The way you communicate with honesty and authority is so admirable and I absolutely love how incredibly expressive you are. I love your honest nature--you live how you feel in the moment to your fullest capability and I am so proud of that. I also love how caring you are--when you see the needs of others you do your best to help. You are becoming quite the little lady and I so enjoy watching you flourish with each passing day. I have said it a hundred times, but I'll say it again, I am so thankful to be your mommy. I am so proud of you and love you so very much. 

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet girl. :)

 

We asked you some questions on your birthday at the breakfast table to look back on in later years and remember how your answers change from year to year:

What is your favorite...

COLOR: Red

FOOD: Sausage
FRUIT: Banana

TOY: Your baby doll

THING TO DO: Play toys and share with Finley

MOVIE: Spirit

GAME: Sequence

SONG: Jesus loves the little children

BOOK: The magic book (Journey)
THING TO WEAR: Swimsuit
ANIMAL: Penguin
DRINK: Juice

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: a mommy

2013.

It's the last day of 2013, and honestly, I'm kind of relieved. I've never really felt this way before about closing out a year, but I am pretty happy to put this year behind me and move into another. Not that there hasn't been a lot of great memories, there has, but 2013 was probably the most challenging year for me personally as an adult. Between moving twice, health issues, emotional, mental, and physically changes and the hardships of parenting and marriage--it's been a long and trying year.

Though, with that said, I wouldn't change it. Without this past year I wouldn't be where I am today and here I sit finding rest in love. Without the trials I would never moved forward and learn what it means to love, find rest, be joyful, content and thankful. 2013 was a refining year for me, and though it's always hard to make changes it's always a good process and I have learned so much about life and love that I wouldn't trade it for an uneventful year. :)

For me, the year closes with a new move and settlement in a new house. But one thing I now know; home is not about where I live or what house I live in. :)

At the beginning of 2013 I wanted to slow-down…and looking back I think throughout the year I have been learning that very thing. I am thankful for that, despite that the year certainly didn't feel that way.

I am excited to open the doors to 2014. I don't normal set any resolutions, however I do think I want to step into this new year with the intent of living more simply, purposefully and with love.

One day at a time. Being present. Loving. And finding joy in all things. 

Happy New Year to you! :)

A Little Moment.

As my daughter grows older and changes constantly before my eyes I am often reminded of the fact that her character is blossoming and being defined with each passing moment. Amidst the emotional meltdowns, chaotic days, and the "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom's" that make me want to pull my hair out. It's easy to overlook our child's chatter...especially when they talk all day long and especially when you're in the middle of doing something you need/want to do.

My girl was hanging around me today while I was doing some painting in our new bedroom, chatting away and asking lots of questions, like usual. Honestly, sometimes moments like these wear me out...the sound of constant talking while chasing around the 1.5-yr-old turkey while trying to finish what I'm doing and pay attention to "Mom, look at this! Mom, look at me! Mom, what is this? Mom, can you do this? Mom, mom, mom..."

But this time it was just me and her. And it was nice. And it made me realize that this little heart is being influenced by my actions day in and day out. I really should listen more.

Otherwise I'd miss conversations like this:


V: "Why does God live in my heart?"

Me: "Because he loves you so very very much."

V (entirely sincere): "Aww. That's so sweet."

Pause.

Then...really quietly...

V: "Mom?"

Me: "What, babe?"

V: "Why am I beautiful?"

This is when I stopped and realized that we were in the middle of a moment that was impacting my daughter's heart on a great level. I put down my paintbrush, bent down and looked her in the eye: "You are beautiful because of who you are.. You are caring, you are loving, you are nice and thoughtful, you are smart and funny, you are sweet...all of those things make you beautiful."

And I saw something amazing happen. I saw her little heart shine as she accepted my answer and soaked in its truth.

Yes, baby girl. Accept that beauty. Embrace it. And shine.

Always.

Babies.

Both of my children have been obsessed with playing with their babies lately.

I am rather surprised at how much Finley likes the babies--I can't remember Vienna being quite as into dolls as young as he is.

Some parents might discourage their boys from playing with dolls. We don't. After all, in reality it isn't just girls that have babies…boys do too. And, I think it's a great way to see and encourage the caring, protective and loving characteristics of my son. He shows his adventurous, strong and daring spirit in plenty--so it's heart melting to see his compassionate side right alongside.

He really is a sweet boy. :)

He rocks and kisses his baby. Pushes it in the stroller and even puts it to sleep. It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Oh how my heart melts for this strong, caring, little boy.

Intentional life.

I heard our girl cry out for me, I glanced at the clock and unintentionally sighed. 3pm. Nap time was over.

I entered her room and sat at the side of the bed as she pouted and whined, and threw herself back against the pillow.

"Where's Daddy?" she asked, her lip quivering.

Daddy had been the one to put her down for her nap.

"He had to leave..." I said.

Then it happened. With a broken hearted cry, she said, "I just really want him!"

Then she sobbed.

And sobbed.

Her poor little heart cried out. And I knew. This wasn't about Daddy, this was about more. She'd been crying this cry for awhile and unintentionally I hadn't truly listened.

Somewhere along the way, amongst the questions, tantrums, pushing limits and busy days...our hearts withdrew from each other. I didn't think it was possible, but--in fact, it happened frighteningly easily. The busies of the days had stolen my focus. The cries of my children had tired my emotions. The slumber of the nights had teased my drowsy eyes. That was yesterday...and the day before, and the day before that...

Sometimes as a parent you live days that just get you by. Unintentionally it becomes the norm, and you find yourself living each day that way. Dreading, sighing, cringing and tired for what was to come.

The simple truth...
Everything is fighting to steal our intentions. Blindness is a sneakily haze that is always drifting by.

And I have let it settle. I have given it ground. My focus is blurry and my fight is weak. In this way of living, selfishness has ruled. The world of me has reigned...and, it has ruined.

It has hurt my daughter's heart.

And I feel sick.

I have one of those moments, and I realize my mothering failure.

Alone, I always fail.

Alone, I am selfish. Alone, I am tired and weak.

Alone...I ruin.

My daughter sobs harder, her tiny little body shaking with the hurt of her heart.

I stroke her hair, and feel her pain. My heart sobs too--for time lost, for tears missed, and moments thrown away.

How can being something so wonderful, be so hard? How can joy be lost amongst the greatest joys in life? How can I cut little pieces of heart without knowing I'm holding the scissors? How can I see in the dark? How can I fight when I'm tired?

Some people call this life. I call it...living unintentionally.

I ruin, unintentionally.

I am selfish, unintentionally.

I am tired and weak and I fail, unintentionally.

But unintentional isn't life. And life isn't about me. And I've been living unintentionally.

Life is love....
....Life is intentional.

I can intentionally choose to dwell among the flowers. I can intentionally choose to see the beauty in the ugly. I can choose to intentionally love.

And I am thankful. Thankful to hear the cries of my daughter's heart. Thankful to feel grace that is given. Thankful for the love that encompasses. Thankful to have life to live. And thankful to have love to give.

Intentionally, I tune into my daughter's sobs and my fingers caress her golden hair. I let her feel her ache. My heart sympathizes. She knows. And she burrows in my lap. Our hearts reconnect.

And I am thankful again. Thankful for eyes opened. Thankful for hearts restored. Thankful for love lost.

Intentionally, I wait until she's expressed all that hurt inside her heart. The cries have words and I intentionally listen.

I intentionally love. And she knows.

And it makes all the difference in the world.

Color-Changing Flowers

Vienna has been especially snuggly the last couple of weeks. It's not like her to just climb up on my lap for the sake of sitting there, but she's been doing it a lot lately, asking to be held, and I have not minded one little bit. She's getting so big and I love to steal any moment I can to snuggle her. Most of the times she chats away about one thing or another and likes to rub my face or give me kisses in the moments of lull between sentences. Today was a cute little moment when she wanted to sit on my lap after naptime and asked me if Finley was still sleeping. I told her he was.

"Is he dreaming?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe. Did you have a dream when you were sleeping?"

She nodded her head. (She has never told me she's dreamt before...)

"What did you dream about?"

"Flowers."

"Oh really? What about flowers?"

She thought for a minute. "They were blue and white and pink..."

"Ooh, they sound pretty."

"Yeah, they were beautiful flowers, Mommy. They were blue, then white, then pink. They changed colors!"

"Wow. That's sounds amazing."

"Yeah, they were beautiful." Then she paused.... "I love you mommy."


This girl melts my heart over and over again every day. I just love seeing her learn how to express herself, her thoughts and feelings...she's more like a kid now than a toddler and its so fun to see her blossom.


(Later in the day she asked to paint and went to work with her brush and paper. While I was doing some cleaning she came to show me her finished product and explained to me that she painted a picture of her dream....she only used blue, white and pink paint and told me they were color changing flowers.)


Must've been a great dream.

Happy 1st Birthday, Finley!

Dear Finley,

It was a year ago when I met you for the first time, my sweet baby boy. I will never forget holding you to my chest, my hands were the first to touch your soft baby skin and you fit perfectly into my arms. Your hair was matted and curly and your cry was like the sweetest music I had ever heard.

You're one, and I can hardly believe it! These 12 months flew by...you went from being a tiny little baby who fit perfectly on my chest, to a big boy who can feed himself and put himself to sleep. You began conquering your first roll-over and before I knew it...you started walking. Where did the time go? I may not have documented all those precious moments as much as I would've liked to...but they will always be in my heart and I will never forget my beautiful boy, who, despite all the ups and down with stomach issues and long sleepless nights, displayed strength and contentment through it all. You have always been relaxed and content, even in the midst of labor--and your strength has been evident from the beginning.

You are absolutely wonderful. And I am so blessed to be your mommy. You started walking when you were 11 months old and now you are basically running. All those first milestones this past year you figured out on your own and tackled like a pro. You amaze me. You're contentment in whatever you're doing and your desire to explore has shown me to enjoy life more fully. You occupy yourself and I often find you playing with everything that is not a toy...not tearing it apart, but figuring out what it does or what you can do with it. You are smart, I am amazed at how much you understand when I talk to you...like when I suggest going outside and you bring me your shoes, or when I ask for something in your hand and you give it to me, or when you take off for your room when I say it's nigh-night. You repeat words that surprise me, and besides calling for mommy and daddy you frequently say the words "hot" "yuck" and "thank you." No matter what I do, you are entirely fascinated with the toilet and the trash...I think it must be a boy thing. :)

You are such a sweet boy, you show love so generously with your snuggles and kisses, and your concern for others when they're upset (especially your sister) is evident.  You are very receptive and the mood of the people around you influences you greatly. Your smile is still my favorite thing about you--so contagious, big and full of of life. A smile is meant for your face, sweet boy, it says so much about you. You are such an important part of our family, we all love you so incredibly. You've made our life so full and happy. I am so thankful to have been able to watch you grow into a one-year-old, it was so fun to watch you conquer all your firsts and to see your personality unfold, I am so excited to see you develop and grow even more!

I love you Finny-boy! Happy Birthday!!!

Love,
Mommy

Some of your favorite things are: Playing with things in the kitchen cupboards, "chasing" your sister around the house, laughing at your daddy, dancing to music, going outside, being home, eating bananas and almond butter, listening to mommy sing, climbing the stairs and running around naked.

Mister Finley-Fin-Finny

A certain little someone is already 9-months-old.

He is crawling like a pro--and is fast! It took him about a week to master it, he started with just one little knee inch forward and then he would collapse and resort to rolling around and pushing/pulling himself to get where he wanted--a week later he put all the pieces together and took off--he hasn't stopped since!

The next day, since he decided crawling wasn't a challenge enough, he started pulling himself up on things. That was a little over a week ago--he is now walking along with things and has decided to test his balance several times by letting go with both hands to see how long he can stay standing. I absolutely love to see the look on his face when he does--it's a look of pure thrill, an adventure waiting to be unleashed. 

Finley is quite the explorer. Now that he has free reign, he is discovering the world in a whole new way. He is so anxious to get down and explore, as a result I think he believes nap time is his own personal hour to play in his crib. He once put himself to sleep consistently...that has changed. I'm hoping its just a phase. But I can't say that I mind rocking him all the time...I love snuggling my baby boy. 

He is 2 days pacifier free. I've been debating taking it away...he only fell asleep with it about 70% of the time anyway and he always plucked it out if he did. It was, more-or-less, me who liked the convenience it provided. I knew waiting to wean would just prove to be more difficult so I decided to slowly stop offering it to him and he hasn't had it at all for 2 days now. He did miss it but it was a fairly painless process...I am thankful! Vienna's weaning process was certainly not that easy and I took hers away at almost exactly the same age. 

We are discovering Finley and his personality and are enjoying seeing him grow into himself. I have learned that Finley is his own pace. He is easy going and just seems to really take in what's going on around him. He is happy just to be happy, and I find that the atmosphere of the people around him really affect his mood. He loves watching his sister play and laughs most at her than at anyone...sometimes he just starts laughing at whatever she's doing--she then, of course, makes a game of it to keep him laughing. I love seeing the two of them play together. He loves bath-time...he just books it towards the tub if he hears the water running. He is already attached to his blanket, he loves to snuggle his face in it while he sleeps. His favorite toy is probably the toy-piano in Vienna's room...he always goes for it first and plays with it repeatedly and longer than anything else. He also loves being naked. I mean, more so than any baby I've ever seen. He literally cries everytime I get him dress or try to put a diaper on him--it's like he's begging me to just let him run around nakey. When I do let him roam free he is so incredibly giddy--and putting clothes back on him is like WWIII. Finley is definitely a momma's boy--besides Andy, he's not too fond of anyone else holding him. His smile just lights up the room, any stranger that compliments him comments on his smile--its so contagious. He is loving the discovery of food--his favorites are a squash soup I make for the whole family, liver pate, avocado and applesauce. He drinks from a sippy cup and is learning how to feed himself. Just like everything else, he eats at his own pace--sometimes it's fast, but most of the time he lingers after each bite, chewing and enjoying the flavor. 

Our little munchkin is fearless. Vienna was so cautious when it came to things like crawling, standing and walking...she was quick to progress and a fast learner, but she didn't really try anything unless she was pretty sure she could do it. Our Finley? Nope. He just tries it, without much thought. And tries everything! With his wobbly legs and shaky balance he has the look on his face like, "Whoa...This. Is. Awesome!" Then he face-plants, looks at me as if to ask "Am I okay?" When I tell him he is, he stops crying and tries again. Haha...such a boy! :) 

a date, a fish, and a little girl.

Life has been a little chaotic for me lately. Unfortunately, it's affected my mothering capabilities and I've struggled with parenting out of reaction instead of with my heart. I had a wake-up call to this and realized how much Vienna has been hurting as a result. She is a pretty sensitive little girl and is pretty affected by the atmosphere, so the two of us have been off--I've been wondering why she's been giving me so much attitude and she was probably wondering if Mommy liked her or not. :( We were both in desperate need of some quality time together--uninterrupted--to connect. So we went on a little mother-daughter date. :)

It was pretty cute...Vienna picked out a dance dress to wear and insisted on bringing her purse with her wish-bear (new favorite stuffed animal) inside of it. And yes, she had to carry it everywhere with us. :)

She held onto my hand the entire time we were not in the car...it was obvious that she really needed the one-on-one time with me.

I took her to the store to look at pets...of course, we walked out with a little goldfish to take home--her first pet. Vienna named him "Sharky" and insisted that he come out to eat with us.

I obliged, and took Vienna and her fish out to dinner. She carried him to and from the car, the poor fish sloshing around inside the massive bag with her little kid steps and hops. Our waitress totally pleased Vienna by including Sharky in conversation, Vienna was pretty excited about him and checked on him in-between bites to make sure he was alive and swimming.

It was a simple date, but totally fun and I was able to give my 100% attention to her and just enjoy the time together. We colored at the restaurant, talked...she snuggled against me and totally soaked up the moments we had together. It really filled both our hearts, and she felt pretty special to have mommy's full attention. 

It just reminds me, yet again, of how important it is to stay connected with your children. It's so easy to fall into routine, say no all the time, react out of impulse, and get caught up in everyday life and to do's. But investing in their little souls is what's important...and I find that I constantly have to check myself and my attitude several times a day to make sure my heart is in the right place. A lot of times it's not. I'm working on it...

Parenting these delicate little souls is hard work...

Birthday Fun

Vienna has talked about her birthday since the snow started falling, which was very fun because she understood the concept and was super excited about it. I remember my third birthday...I wonder if she will remember hers. :) It sure was a fun day!

We didn't have a party this year, we decided to celebrate as a family. It was so nice, we got to completely focus on our birthday girl, make her feel totally special, and remember that monumental day three years ago when she came into our lives. I think she preferred 100% of our attention anyway, she loves people but gets a little overwhelmed in large crowds. 

A couple days before her birthday I took her to the store and let her pick out some party cups, napkins, plates and a birthday hat. She chose princesses (Cinderella) and picked the crown herself, (how that trumped Dora, I'm not sure...but she didn't even hesitate in choosing.) On the eve of her birthday we decorated the kitchen in streamers and balloons and put all her presents on the kitchen table for her to find in the morning. She knew exactly what day it was when she got up and came marching into my room saying, "Mom, it's my happy birthday!" And that was before she even saw the kitchen in the light and noticed the purple/pink explosion topped with presents.

The birthday girl :)

After all, turning 3 is kind of a big deal...

Especially for little princesses. 

She felt totally special all day long, which is exactly how a birthday should be. :) She had so much fun, playing with mommy and daddy and Finley. She loved her presents and spent the whole day rotating between them. She wore her princess crown the entire day (in fact, it's been glued to her head pretty much ever since.) She was especially excited about her happy birthday cake...which I sneakily fashioned a GAPS version out of squash, eggs, honey and butter. However, she didn't know any different, thought it was the greatest thing ever and savored every bite. 

These pictures are my favorite kind of birthday pictures. Haha :)

We asked Vienna some questions at the breakfast table to look back on in later years and remember how her answers change from year to year:

What is your favorite...

COLOR: Red & Blue

FOOD: Pancakes & Squash
FRUIT: Orange

TOY: Minnie Mouse (doll)

THING TO DO: Play pretend

MOVIE: Tinkerbell

GAME: new birthday game (princess dominos)

SONG: Twinkle, Twinkle

BOOK: One Duck Stuck
THING TO WEAR: Dance Dress
ANIMAL: Bear
DRINK: Kefir

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: a princess

After all...turning 3 is a pretty big deal. :)