Covered in snow fog

Wow, is it ever pretty outside today! I woke up and was delighted to see everything covered thick with snow - or fog, so the weather-lady called it. I didn't realize that fog could be fluffy and stick to the trees, but whatever - I'm not a meteorologist. All I know is that it's gorgeous out. I couldn't resist snapping a couple pictures around our house.

Our driveway/front yard

Our backyard/the lake

Our house

Baby Bump Pictures

I had a 36 week pregnancy photo shoot with Júste Photography back on New Year's day. (Júste Photography happens to be my brother and sister's business,) and I think they're pretty great and am thrilled with the way the pictures turned out! I was so excited to get my pictures, I love them. I've already shared them on facebook, but not everyone has facebook so I thought I'd put a few of my favorites on here as well.

A Positive Negative

I've wanted to share my story for awhile now, but I think the thing that was stopping me was fear. Fear of being judged, of not being understood and simply fear of being so personal. But the tug to put my experience into words keeps persisting, so I'm finally doing it. And if it helps even just one person than it'll be worth it to me. It's a little lengthy but I hope you read it. So, here it goes:

As I grew up all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Sure, there were other things I wanted to be too - I had aspirations to be a writer when I was very young. I would pull out my parents typewriter (this was, of course, before computers became an item that was found in any ordinary household) and I would touch the round keys and pretend to write something special. And there was also a phase in my teen years of wanting to be a musician, I was convinced I would be part of a successful band.

But through those phases and all the other hopes and dreams in-between, above all, I wanted to be a mom. I knew I'd be a mom.

I have spent almost my whole life around kids. Literally. I grew up with my cousins as my playmates, babysitting the younger ones. Starting at the age of 12 I volunteered my entire summers as a camp counselor. I eventually got paid, but continued doing it for five years. 85% of the jobs I have had have dealt with children in some sort of fashion. I loved kids. I still do. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. It was always #1 on the top of my list.

Did you grow up thinking that when a person got married - nine months later they had a baby? I did. I thought that's the way life worked, they went hand-in-hand. Of course, as I grew older I learned that there was more to it than that. But still with the knowledge of reality I never once thought I couldn't or wouldn't be able to have a child. It wasn't something I ever questioned.

Does anyone?

Infertility, I feel, isn't something that the common person thinks about before trying to conceive. Millions of babies are born in the U.S. every year, people get pregnant on accident without intentionally doing so... so why would I have a problem getting pregnant? I'm normal. He's normal. Why should something so common be a challenge, especially if it's intentional?

Literally a million things need to go right inside the body to conceive a child. There is a very small window each month that a woman can actually get pregnant. If you take all things into consideration and look at all the things that could go wrong, along with the limited chances women have to conceive, it is hard to deny that a fetus - a baby - is nothing short of a miracle. The whole process is rather amazing and I think the speciality of it gets lost in the commonality.

We, like most people, didn't think twice about getting pregnant, so when we decided to have a baby and found that we didn't get pregnant right away, we were baffled. I mean really, what's so hard about it? Why can high-school girls get pregnant by having sex one time- and a married couple that has decided to responsibly have a baby, can't? At first when we realized that it wasn't happening I was in pretty good spirits about it. I just kept hoping "next month." And when I heard family members and friends share news that they were pregnant I was ecstatic because I knew I was going to be next! Anytime now, I would be pregnant.

But I wasn't.

For some reason I measured the time we were trying to conceive by other people's pregnancies. I'm not sure if everyone who tries to conceives thinks like that, but I did, it was an unavoidable way to keep track of time. The first time two members of my family became pregnant I thought: "Surely in 9 months, by the time their babies are born, I'll be pregnant!" After all, 9 months is a long time when you're staring at it in the face, it always seemed like more than enough time for something to happen to me. But when my nephew and niece were born, my results were still negative. I was disappointed. This was still at the beginning of our struggle and I raised my head and told myself there could be a number of possible reasons why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. One simply being the fact that after stopping the use of birth control it can take a full year for it to completely leave the body. The other being that a year really is only 12 chances of conceiving (or less for those with irregular cycles,) so we simply could have not hit the open window. These facts gave me hope, for awhile.

But month after month, after month, passed by.

Then, the same two family member's announced they were pregnant, again. Since I seemed to be measuring my failure in other people's pregnancies, this was really hard for me to hear. Only because of the fact that in the amount of time it took for them to get pregnant, give birth, watch their kid grow some and get pregnant again - I couldn't get pregnant even once. It was a blow to my emotional state. It was a huge reality slap in the face. It's hard to describe exactly how a woman feels when she can't have a baby, and the emotions that she goes through. You won't really know unless you've been through it. It's a wide array of failure, confusion, anger, jealousy, self-pity, hopelessness... to name a few. It's an intense roller-coaster ride to feel hope at the possibility of another chance and another month - to having that hope stolen away from you and crash down around you when you get a negative result. Over and over and over. Up and down, back and forth. This specific announcement meant we had been trying for two years. It was an awful realization for us and left us me very frustrated.

At this point we hadn't taken any medical action why we weren't able to conceive, we had been playing the waiting game all along. We talked about our options. Andy was always the voice of reason and brought the situation back to rationality. We realized we were still young and didn't really know to what extent we wanted to take things if we did decide to do something. I, of course, wanted a baby slightly more than him, so there were times I felt like he didn't care or that it wasn't important to him. But he did care, in a way I couldn't understand at the time. If it wasn't for him keeping a level-head and reasoning, I would've been an utter basket-case.

We did do a couple of standard procedures and though results were normal it gave us little comfort. I did a ton of research about different ways to increase fertility and learned a ton about the way the body works (which is all very fascinating and good to know) but nothing helped us.

I'd hear news after news of other people getting pregnant. I'd see other pregnant women in the store. I would sit with a group of close friends and try to join in on conversation that I couldn't relate to because they all had kids and I didn't. It was extremely hard. I felt like every way I turned I was being reminded of the fact that I could possibly never have children. I felt like it was absolutely un-fair. Why me? Why us? Would we be bad parents? Would we ever be able to have kids and at what cost? Part of me felt like I deserved a baby. I just didn't understand why it wasn't happening...?

Anyone who has gone through this struggle has probably heard the phrase: "Just don't think about it and it'll happen." At first I accepted this phrase and even tried my skills at it, but I grew to hate it. In fact there were times I despised it. I would roll my eyes when people would say this, deep down I felt like they couldn't possibly understand, they had no clue. I tried so hard to achieve this phrase, but it was an impossible feat. I couldn't help but think about it, especially when you can't help but having mother nature remind you of it every month. I was around so many kids in my life that when I'd see them I couldn't stop hoping to someday hold my own little baby in my arms. The up and down was exhausting.

Obviously women are more emotional than men, but there were times when it was tough for Andy too. In these moments of us both being overwhelmingly frustrated was when we decided to take further medical action. Over the course of our "trying to conceive" we really only did minimal medical alternatives. Insurance typically doesn't cover infertility, and we didn't want to spend a lot of money doing things when we would've rather put that money towards adopting. But we did decide to try Clomid, which is a standard first step doctors use for infertility. For those of you that don't know what it is, its a drug you take to force your body to ovulate. (A lot of times infertility is an issue of ovulation. A lot of times woman don't ovulate and don't even know it.) It was never determined if my issue was ovulation or not, and because of insurance the doctor suggested trying Clomid first before determining that, as either way it won't do harm. We tried this twice (a good six+ months apart from each other) for three months at a time, and neither chunk of time worked. I took this drug in result of frustration and didn't do research beforehand. I know a lot of women that have had success on Clomid, but unless you know for certain that you have an issue with ovulation- I wouldn't recommend it. The doctors say it's perfectly safe regardless, and I'm sure this is true for the most part, but I wish I hadn't taken it, it's never a good idea to do something out of frustration. I didn't like the side effects while taking it nor was I aware of the side effects if I had gotten pregnant while on it. It thins your uterus, which increases the normal dangers of carrying a child and causes a higher risk of a miscarriage. And it highly rises your chances in having a cesarean. The drug also doesn't wear out of the body for several months after taking it, which if conceived while on it can result in the baby getting the effects of it. Please understand that I am not, in any means, against this drug. As mentioned, I know women that have gotten pregnant on it and they're babies are perfect and beautiful and may not have otherwise been able to have babies of their own. What I am saying is that I wish I personally hadn't taken it, because I did it for the wrong reasons and I didn't do research for something I was putting my own body through. I didn't even know what/if something was truly wrong with my ovulation in the first place. (Those store-bought-ovulation-pee-sticks aren't a very accurate way to determine unless you have a text-book cycle, which a lot of us don't.)

Of course I didn't feel this way until after the fact. So the negative results we got on the drug was, again, more than disappointing. We really didn't want to go much further medically, for our own personal reasons. So we waited. I distinctly remember the hardest point of my struggle. December came and I swore I was pregnant (like I had so many times before). I was getting the standard pregnancy side effects and my period was late (which wasn't uncommon) so I let myself start to think of how I would tell my family at Christmas. I took a test, but it came back negative, but there was still no period. This is the worst, and I can't even tell you how many times it happened to me. You get disappointed, but yet you get hopeful all at the same time because both realities are possible. Well, right before I left for Christmas vacation I got my period - Big. Huge. Bummer. Okay, whatever... I got over it, disappointment was becoming second nature to me. But then, over Christmas vacation my little sister announced she was pregnant with her first baby. Hearing this was the hardest point for me emotionally. It was suppose to be my turn, I was the one who was suppose to be pregnant, I was so close. It was also just yet another blow in the face to show me how long it really had been since we first started trying to get pregnant. And I have to admit I was jealous of the fact that she'd only been married a few months and I'd been married for over three years. How could some people get pregnant after only a few months and others couldn't get pregnant after a few years? It wasn't fair.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, with each baby announcement that brought my struggles to my face, I overcame. With each announcement I was sincerely happy for my sisters and my friends, it was just hard not to focus on my own selfish emotions. I wanted them to know that I was honestly happy for them, and the last thing I wanted was for them to feel bad about their joy. My struggle was my own struggle, and the longer I struggled the more I realized that. It was unfair of me to let anger rise inside of me for something no one had control over. Sure, their news sparked emotions in me, but that wasn't their fault. How I dealt with those emotions was my own responsibility and they had every right to be as happy as they pleased. My family is pretty close and my sisters have shared in this struggle with me. They know that my heart was never in anger about their pregnancies, and even though the initial announcement may have brought emotions front in myself, God helped me to rid myself of those emotions and be able to be 100% happy for my sisters and my friends and share in their joy. They sympathized with my unattainable desire and I am so thankful for their understanding. And I am also glad that they never kept from expressing the joy they felt in fear of hurting me, I would've felt awful, and did feel awful for the way I felt in the first place. I love them for being so understanding and sensitive and hopeful for me, and it brings me great joy to see them with their own kids. I am so thankful for God's help in helping me overcome those things that could have turned me into a bitter and cynical woman.

But even with that being said, the next year was probably the hardest for me. Not only was I struggling with not getting pregnant each month, but realizing things about myself that I didn't like. Things I was oblivious to. I needed to be humbled in several areas of my life. One being the knowledge I thought I had of children. A parent can never know everything they should and no matter how much you prepare you still won't be ready or know everything. I will make mistakes, that's a given. And it's important to learn from other people, not in a judging way, but to observe, to be open-minded and listen.

I also genuinely realized (even though I always knew) that a baby will never fulfill me. Even if I got what I wanted it wasn't going to satisfy me if that's what I was placing my happiness on. A baby is innocent and pure when they enter this world, and are made to be loved, nurtured and live a purpose. How dare I put expectations on an unborn child for my own selfish reasons, how can I expect that child to fulfill me? The baby isn't for me, to feel good, to feel complete, to feel loved. No. A baby is a blessing and a gift and I hope to raise my babies in love, to guide them, nurture them, and let them be who God intended them to be.

I also realized that I had all this time with my husband that some couples would kill for. I was given an opportunity to enjoy my husband, build our relationship and enjoy things being "just us" that some couples never get to experience. And I was using it worrying about getting pregnant.

These were all good things to realize, but hard to learn. And through those lessons we still wanted that baby.

We had given ourselves a deadline. April. It had been four years. We contemplated taking a medical turn that would cost a nice chunk of money that insurance wouldn't cover and we didn't know whether to carry on with it or not. We had mixed feelings. I distinctly remembering going to the state park and going our separate ways to think and pray about it and then we'd come back together and talk. When we came back together we both felt the same way and came up with the same answer. That answer was to wait, and not go to the appointment. We obeyed. I was disappointed about the decision, but strangely enough I felt very peaceful about it and I knew it was right.

The next few weeks were very freeing for me. I can't even explain how different I felt. I felt like a weight got lifted off my shoulders. I began to think about what else I wanted in life besides being a mom, it had consumed so much of me I hadn't even realized it. I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. I began writing, a flawed passion of mine. I really savored the time I had with my husband. I can honestly say that I was truly and utterly content with the way my life was, exactly like it was. I can honestly say that I got to the point (I don't know how, but I got there) where I genuinely didn't care if I had a baby right then or not. It was refreshing.

Several weeks later I noticed I was feeling sick, and it wasn't foreign to me that my period could be due soon. (Since I'd always been irregular this was always the guessing game.) I kept telling myself not to believe I was pregnant, I'd been through this same thing before and never got a positive test back. Plus I didn't want to slip back into that coma-like-emotional-ride after feeling so good about the situation. So, I waited. I eventually went against my better judgement and bought a pregnancy test. I didn't tell my husband. I took it Wednesday morning, laid it on the back of the toilet and walked away. I have taken a ton of pregnancy tests over four years and I have this thing about not looking at them as they develop. I'm one of those people that when it says to wait 3 minutes, I wait a full 3 minutes before I even peek at it. I think in the past I seriously expected that the longer it laid there the more of a chance it had to change its mind and give me the result I wanted. So instead of just standing there I brushed my teeth. I remember sitting on the couch reprimanding myself for taking the test, I was only setting myself up for disappointment. I knew what the answer was going to be before I even looked at it. When I walked into the bathroom and looked at the test and it had one very solid, bright red, horizontal line... a negative. My heart fell, even though I'd prepared myself for this answer. I'd known. I picked up the test and held it close and happened to catch a glimpse of a very very faint, but still present, vertical line that corresponding with the horizontal line. A plus sign! A positive, I was pregnant! I literally fell to my knees in shock and cried, and all I could say over and over again was, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I couldn't believe it. The proof was there. I knew that even a faint line meant it was real, after all I'd never gotten anything close to that before! But that still didn't stop me from taking another one, just to make sure. I was so excited to tell my husband and was bursting at the seems all day to tell him. I bought him a willow tree figurine of a father holding a baby and wrapped it. When he came home from work I gave him the present and he opened it. He wasn't only confused that I was giving him a present out of the blue but by what it was when he opened it, he actually said "I think you gave me the wrong gift." I, of course, was beaming, and told him he was going to be a daddy. His face was priceless. Pure joy! He had no idea and was just as excited as I was when I saw the test that morning. It was so special to me to see his reaction, I will never forget it. Celebrating that moment together was awesome.

It finally happened, after four years and when we least expected it. And as it turns out, if we had gone to that doctor's appointment we had felt so troubled about, we wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

If you have experienced infertility, whether it is one year or eight years, I know how you feel. I just want you to know that someone else understands. When you feel like no one can possible understand what your going through, it's not true. You're not alone. My advice to you is to try to relax. Remember that phrase I talked about earlier? The one that I rolled my eyes at and despised? I'm proof that it really is true, if you can get to the point of genuinely letting go. I truly believe that a woman's thoughts and emotions can seriously alter conceiving a child. Thoughts can cause stress, whether you're aware of it or not, and stress can play a serious role in the process of conceiving. A woman's body has a natural self-protection mechanism, if her body feels like it can't handle a pregnancy safely it won't ovulate. Or if it does still ovulate and the "atmosphere" is still stressful it's self-protection mechanism won't implant a fertilized egg. You could be hitting the right times of the months, you and your partner could be 100% healthy and have no issues and still have a negative result. Remember when I said that a million things need to go right to conceive a child? I wasn't joking. We ultimately have no control over it anyway, so worrying about it really only does harm. I've done a ton of research, and from my own experience and several other woman's testimonies I've found this to be a common problem. When these women, and myself, finally let it go after years of struggling, found themselves pregnant - even after doctor's told some that it wasn't possible. I even know women that have tried nearly everything medically possible and nothing worked. They gave up, and when they let it go - mentally, physically and emotionally - they got pregnant. So when someone says "Don't think about it," don't just try to consciously not think about it, really feel it, and experience that freedom.

Everyone's situation is different. I didn't struggle as long as some, and some don't struggle as long as I did and each story is different. For some, medical intervention is necessary and for others its not. Everyone has their own beliefs and way they do things, so just look inside yourself and decide things based on what you believe and your situation. Do your research, don't make decisions out of frustration and decide things together as a couple. Sometimes your partner has a more rational perspective than you.

For anyone that hasn't tried getting pregnant yet or is just starting, don't even think twice about it if you don't get pregnant right away. Seriously. Even though a month seems like a long time, it's only one try. Four months is only four tries (or less for some with longer cycles) so don't get discouraged. To be honest I wouldn't even question anything until it's been a year (I know that seems like a long time, but all things considered with the way the body works and the influence our everyday life affects it, a year really isn't that long.) Just don't think about it and have fun and it will probably happen!

Now here I am, days away from giving birth to our child, and I still find it hard to believe that we're actually having a baby. When I look back at our situation in this new perspective I am actually thankful for it. We've had five years of marriage to enjoy alone and do whatever we please, once the baby is here there is no turning back to that life. We were able to build a stronger foundation together as a couple, we learned things that will hopefully make us better parents. In fact, I can't really imagine what life would be like if we had had a child when we first wanted one. I guess we don't always know what best for ourselves. Going through the struggle ended up being a positive thing. Even though it was negative to experience it at the time, it ended up being a good thing and has made us both appreciate the life of the baby growing inside of me that much more.

Baby's coming! Not today...but soon!

The reality that we will probably have the baby early is surreal. My due date is Jan. 28th and this whole pregnancy I had made up in my mind that the baby was going to be born in February. After all, most first time mom's go late rather than early. So when the possibility of having a premature baby came into reality two weeks ago, I was slightly very freaked out. Obviously about the health of the baby, but also because in my mind I still had a full+ month before the little girl was going to grace us with her presence and I wasn't ready. It was too soon!

We've made it two weeks since then, now we only have one more week and she'll be full-term! I will be able to breathe easier next Thursday. Even though I've progressed my midwife doesn't think I'll have a problem making it full-term, that gives me a great deal of comfort. Her prediction is week 38. So we'll see! For all we know maybe I still won't have a baby until February.

Thirteen days ago when we went to the hospital for our little scare I found out that the baby was 1/2 in. away from being engaged and my cervix was close to dilating, but nothing at that time. Five days later at my appointment I was about 1.5 cm dilated and nearly 25% effaced. We got the okay from my midwife and decided to travel to my parents for Christmas, which is two-hours away, we just knew I'd have to relax and take it easy. On Christmas Eve something felt different, I was having a lot of pressure and abdominal soreness/cramping, among some other symptoms. I was also getting a lot of braxton-hicks, nothing consistent though. On Christmas morning I made the mistake of doing a little reading online and totally freaked myself out. I read about all these things I was feeling and the results said it could be pre-term labor. I was very worried and couldn't relax, after all, I wasn't at home and the reality that my doctor was a couple hours away (not to mention the fact that we were experiencing the biggest snowstorm MN has seen in years,) was quite disturbing. But I knew I wasn't actually in labor and I had good enough reason to know that if you have signs of pre-term labor to drink a ton of water and lay down for awhile on my left side. After I relaxed and realized I wasn't going to have the baby that day things got a little better. I rationally tried to figure out the causes of my symptoms and to remember that several things were very quite normal to experience. I figured the baby must've dropped further, hence all the pressure and soreness. The only thing I could do was wait and take it easy.

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday, anxious to see what my progress was, but scared too because of the ever-possibility of a preemie. I learned that I definitely progressed. The baby did drop and is past the engagement point. I am dilated 3cm and my cervix is 50% effaced. Crazy! To me that seems like a lot of progress in a short amount of time, but I also know that every woman is different and progresses differently. Some woman aren't dilated to 3cm until they're in active labor, some women are at 3cm for 3 weeks before they go into labor. Same goes for effacement. So obviously it all just depends. As I mentioned, my midwife thinks I won't have an issue making it full-term, she thinks this is just my body's way of preparing, so we will see what the progress is in a week. One week goes by fast, and after that the little angel can come anytime she pleases. It's all very exciting :) and even though the probability of her coming before the due date is likely, I don't want to get my hopes set on going early because if I do that'll just make the days miserable as I approach my due date. And the new discomfort added from the baby being so low, among all the other pregnancy discomforts is miserable enough. So, my spirits are good and now that I'm home and so close to the 37-week-mark, I feel very relaxed, excited and peaceful. It'll happen when it happens!

Just what the doctor ordered

This last weekend took a turn for a change that we weren't expecting, but turned out to be just what I needed. Wednesday night we had a little scare and had to go to the hospital, which resulted in getting instructions by my midwife to "rest." I was suppose to be getting my nieces that evening as I was going to watch them for the weekend, but when I asked her about this she advised me it wasn't a good idea - so I had to cancel on my sister and brother-in-law. I felt bad, for their sake, but I also wanted to listen to my doctor. Andy and I were both bummed about not spending time with two of the most adorable little girls on the planet, we had thought of some fun things to do while they stayed with us and were looking forward to it. I even bought all the supplies needed to make sugar cookies to frost and sprinkle, knowing it would've made a mess but thinking the girls would have fun doing it. (Side note: I actually bought shortening. Odd as that may sound my husband understood me when I declared this. I don't ever have shortening in my house. I don't cook or bake with it, for some reason it just grosses me out. Call me a weirdo, it's okay.) Anyways. I obeyed my instructions from my midwife and took it easy... which is something I haven't done in a long time.

I literally feel like I have been go-go-go since we moved back to MN in August. I can't even remember the last time Andy and I had a weekend with nothing to do. And during the week there was always something to keep me busy. So it was kind of a challenge for me just to sit still for a few days, but it turned out to be great.

Lets make it clear that I wasn't ordered on bed rest - my midwife told me if she could write a prescription to watch a Christmas movie every morning and night, she would. I asked her if she could include not cooking supper in the same prescription. :) I was just instructed to take it really easy and rest.

So being that we didn't have plans anymore, Andy and I spent a very lovely weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was perfect. The first two days I took my "prescription" very literal since I'm typically one of those people that find it hard to not be doing something - and I don't want to be cause of having our baby prematurely. So I spent the time watching movies, reading and staying in my PJ's. By Friday night I needed some fresh air, so Andy took me to a movie...New Moon, and I think he'll admit that he actually liked it. After the movie we tried a Mexican restaurant in town, it was excellent. Saturday, we did entirely nothing...and it was quite wonderful, though, I didn't stay in my PJ's all day. :) Sunday, we took a quick trip to Target to get all the rest of our baby "essentials" that we still needed, like wipes, gas drops, pacifiers, bouncer, etc. It was fun to pick stuff out. We went home and decided that since I'd already bought all the ingredients for those cookies, we shouldn't let them go to waste! So the two of us rolled out the dough, cut out shapes, baked and then decorated them. By the end we were tired of it - lol - and decided it would've been much more enjoyable with kids.

But regardless it was all very relaxing, peaceful and enjoyable - just spending time together and taking it easy. A weekend of doing nothing of importance really... was actually quite wonderful.

Little visitors

This last weekend we had a couple of little visitors stay at our house. Our nephews, Brendyn and Tyvan. I believe it was the first time they'd ever spent the night without Mommy and Daddy in a strange new house, and they did so well! They were so excited to come over, Brendyn kept calling our spare bathroom and the bedroom he was sleeping in, "My room," and "My bathroom." He unpacked his suitcase in the empty dresser and used every drawer - one for a shirt, one for a sock, one for pants... it was very organized!

We took them outside to hang up a strand of lights on our deck, the boys were very excited to help Andy. We bundled them up in some big-people hats and gloves and tried to keep them warm. It was cold, and so when we came back inside we had hot cocoa to warm up. Brendyn kept calling it "hot tea." Tyvan wasn't sure how to drink from the cup at first, so I helped him. But after he got the hang of it he inhaled it. It was so cute, he hardly came up for a breath of air!

Time sure flies when there are kids around. The day goes by so fast and before we knew it, it was bedtime. (They did an awesome job going to bed and sleeping all night. I didn't hear a peep out of them.)

The kids left Sunday night and when I woke up Monday morning the house was oddly quiet. I kind of missed the pitter-patter of little feet and the constant jabber of little voices. Andy and I talked later that day about the kids being here, he felt like it was a taste of parenthood and I know it got him excited to be a dad. It's funny, when you watch kids and the reality of your own baby is facing you at the door only weeks away, you look at things a little differently. All in all I think we made a pretty good team and even though I'm scared to become a parent, I'm excited out of my mind!

Tree is up, lights are strung, music is playing...it's time!

Time for Christmas! I love Christmas. Have I mentioned that? Well I do. I love everything about Christmas.

We always get a tree right after Thanksgiving and decorate the house so we can enjoy it as long as possible! We pick out a real tree, listen to Christmas music while we decorate, and enjoy a glass of wine or hot cocoa after it's all done! (I had hot cocoa this year... in case you're wondering.)

I love that Christmas means snow. The big fluffy kind is the best. I remember one time specifically there wasn't snow on the ground at Christmas, I almost cried.

I don't think there is anything I don't like about Christmas... And this year is our last Christmas, or Holiday for that matter, alone as a couple! Last Christmas ever without kids. So we are taking extra time to enjoy everything and enjoy being just us.

Apples

My neighbor's - that don't exist yet - have an apple tree in their yard. Since no one lives there we picked a bunch of the apples off the tree before the weather got too cold. Just a couple weeks ago I noticed that there were a few random apples left on the tree that hadn't fallen off yet, and I don't know if it was the lighting outside or the contrast of red apples, blue sky/water and brown deadness that caught my eye, but it looked like a picture. So I went outside and snapped a few pictures and played around with some editing effects.

The Results

If you read my last blog you will remember me mentioning some sewing projects I was starting. I spent a few days at my parents house and my mom helped me with my projects. I am finally getting around to putting up some pictures of the finished results - I am quite happy with the way they turned out!

I finally found a print for curtains! I wanted something simple and "pretty" for the nursery.

It was super tough to make curtains, I think it was the type of fabric - it was very hard to measure and sew, but they turned out in the end! The picture isn't great, but you get the idea.

I absolutely loved this print the minute I saw it and knew I had to make something for our little girl out of it. So I decided on a blanket. And it not only looks cute but feels real nice, it's that soft-stretchy-jersy-type material. I just love it!

I also made two oversized receiving blankets for my nephew, Liam, who was just born in October. I forgot to snap a couple pictures of the blankets before I gave them to my sister-in-law. But they were fun prints and turned out super cute!

Oh the possibilities!

One thing that will always remind me of my mom is fabric. I have so many memories of her sewing and picking out material for quilts or whatever project she was making. She'd take us to the fabric store and spend (what felt like to me) hours, matching up fabric swatches. I never really liked it much. I would stand there and wonder how in the world it could possibly take so long to pick out material. I'm sure I huffed and sighed, rolled my eyes, and gave my mom crap for how bored I was. Sorry mom.

I made a quilt once when I was maybe 12. I still have it. It's a big quilt, big enough to fit onto a king size bed. My mom helped me pick out material and taught me how to cut squares and sew them together. I did the entire quilt by myself (with my mom's guidance of course), and I remember it taking forever. I mean, forever. I thought it was never going to end. Just when I thought it was done, there was something else to do. I swore I'd never make another one. That was the end of my sewing desire.

That was, until recently. I am doing a nursery and in my searching to pull it together I became baffled by the price of curtains. I mean really, some things are just too expensive for what they are. And the windows in the nursery are kind of an awkward length, so I decided if I was going to go through the work of buying expensive curtains just to hem them - why not make my own? But then I soon found that making your own curtains can be just as expensive as buying them. Note that 'can' is the key word. I was looking in the wrong places, and at the wrong fabrics. After knowing where to look I have settled on making my own curtains, at a cheaper cost than buying them. And let me add...they'll be much cuter. I mean really, I didn't like much that was out there anyway - at least in the price range I was looking.

So I venture into a fabric store yesterday. I had no agenda and just decided to ho-hum around and look at all the different patterns. All these different colors and designs were calling to me, they kept saying, "ooh look how cute I am. I could be a ____." And I kept agreeing, saying back, "I love you." It was kind of like shopping for clothes, except the possibilities of what you could do with this cute new and enticing print was endless! I admit, I became my mom. I spent far too long in the store and I enjoyed every minute of it. And found way too many patterns that I liked and also got a list of too many ideas of things to make. Who am I becoming? I have always been artsy, but painting, drawing and music were more my thing, not sewing.

I went back into the store today to pick up a few pieces of fabric, Andy was with me. He became who I was when I was little - bored out of his mind and dying to walk out of the store and go home. And me, well I had a cart full of fabric trying to decide on what to choose and had a hard time deciding to put a few of my cute little friends away. I still have yet to get curtain fabric, there wasn't enough yards of the print I wanted, but that's okay, I have some other projects to work on. :)

We'll see what I say after I sit at a sewing machine for awhile. I might revert back. :)

New discoveries & yummy supper

Why is that all of the sudden when you hit the third trimester it seems like everything changes? I am a few weeks into my third trimester and already the baby's movements have started to become very painful at times, my back hurts, my legs hurt, I'm definitely getting exhausted by doing everyday normal things and all around I just feel completely different than I did a few weeks ago. Andy makes fun of me watching me walk when I'm completely exhausted. I admit, I probably look pretty silly. Sleeping is increasingly getting more and more difficult. The baby seems to get the hiccups just as I turn off my light for the night, which results in keeping me awake. :) Before I could get away with doing a bunch of things if I had the energy, but now, I can definitely tell when I overdue it. Just last night I wasn't feeling well, I had some intense back pain and my stomach hurt - I'm still trying to figure out if its contractions or not. Andy kept telling me all day to go lay down and take a nap (as I was having pains all day,) I kept telling him no, I wasn't tired enough to sleep and things needed to get done. But when supper came around I was utterly wiped out, so Andy, being the wonderful husband that he is, made me to go lay down and cooked supper for us. Salmon, au gratin rice and broccoli, and it tasted wonderful. I mean, really really yummy. I don't know if it was the fresh salmon we bought, or the fact that I didn't have to cook it - but every bite was just fabulous. It's not a new recipe but every time I make it I forget how yummy it actually tastes, better than any salmon I've had in a restaurant. I owe the credit to my sister-in-law, Tia, she found the recipe online and shared it with me. You should try it, it is very very very good.

SALMON

1 TSP ground Ginger
1 TSP Garlic powder
1/3 Cup Soy Sauce
1/3 Cup Orange Juice
1/4 Cup Honey
1 1/2 LBS Salmon fillet

1. In a large self-closing plastic bag, combine first six ingredients; mix well. Place salmon in big and seal tightly. Turn bag gently to distribute marinade.

2. Refrigerate 15 minutes or up to 30 minutes for stronger flavor. Turn bag occasionally.

3. Lightly grease grill rack. (I've cooked it over the stove too and used like 1/2 to 1 TBLS of butter to grease the pan.) Preheat grill to Medium heat. Remove salmon from marinade. Grill 12-15 minutes per inch of thickness or until fish flakes easily with a fork. Brush with reserved marinade (this is key to making it it taste really good!) up until the last 5 minutes of cooking time.

I said I'd never... but I did.

I did it. Something I said I was never going to do.

I have been sick for the past five days, fever, nasty cough and congestion and a sore throat. I feel miserable. Well, I am one of those that believes if you're sick - stay home, don't spread the sickness. Well, I went against my own rule. I seem to be over the fever part and my fridge and kitchen cupboards are screaming for some food in them. I very well could have sent my husband grocery shopping if I wanted to wait, but I didn't. I went myself, I've spent several days doing nothing but blow my nose and watch movies, so I wanted to step out of the house. But I totally shouldn't have gone, by the end of the trip I was twice as miserable and now feel worse than I did before I left. The whole time I felt like people were staring at me like they knew that I was sick and I shouldn't be out. Oops.

I did something else too.

I am also one of those people that believes that when you go to the grocery store you should buy something before you consume it. Anything - a bottle of pop/water, chips, etc. I have firmly stuck by this rule, until today. Twice I broke it. One, I was so incredibly thirsty I literally couldn't stand it, I drank a bottle of water before I bought it. Oops. Two, my lips are like the Arabian desert, they have never been so chapped before in my life, they look terrible and feel terrible. The only thing that I find ever works for my lips when they get this chapped is Vaseline - I also used that that today too before I bought it- several times. Oops, again.

14 weeks

Lately I have been realizing how little time I really have left before our baby arrives. It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time! 14 weeks may not sound like a short time to you, but it does to me! For some reason when I think of time in terms of months, it seems longer. But no matter, weeks...months... she's going to be here before we know it!

I feel like my pregnancy has flown by. I guess that's a good thing though since so many woman complain that their pregnancies seem like they never end. I feel like I just found out that I'm pregnant, and now all the sudden I have a very noticeable pregnant belly and am struck with the reality that our life is going to be completely changed in just weeks!

I am enjoying being pregnant though. Sure, there are times - like when she moves onto my bladder and I have an instant and overwhelming urge to pee - that I don't enjoy. Or when I have to get up at least three times every night to use the bathroom. And when every time I do get up I feel sick to my stomach and have the urge to vomit, then, have a hard time going back to sleep. And when I gag every single time I brush my teeth. But despite all the nausea, weird body changes and the ever continuing difficulty to do normals things, I'm enjoying it.

Recently she's gotten a lot bigger and her movements are a lot stronger. I think it's cool that I can now physically see my belly move, ripple and pulsate when she moves. I enjoy that she seems to "calm" down when I rest my hand on my stomach. I think it's interesting that she loves when I do prenatal yoga. Every single time I do it I feel her move like crazy - I feel like she's doing flips in excitement or something, like she's got more room to stretch. I can feel her have hiccups. I also enjoy watching my husband think and talk about having a baby girl. I'm so excited to see him as a daddy. I enjoy throwing around name ideas, though, I've gotten to the point where I like so many names that I'm tempted to give her seven middle names just to use them all. ;) I am so insanely excited for the end of 14 weeks to see our baby girl and to hold her and kiss her!

But I'm nervous too. Real nervous. Being a mom? I've never done it before, I have no idea what I'm doing. I can try to prepare myself but I know no matter how much I do it's never going to be enough. It's not going to be just me and Andy anymore. I'm going to have a child. I'm going to give birth. I'm going to get huge and even more uncomfortable in my own body. There is so many things I need to do before then. Holy crap... that '14 weeks' thing is settling in again...

Back!

Well it's no lie that I have been absent from my blog for quite some time. Sorry. Hopefully I didn't lose any avid readers. My life hasn't been normal in any way for the last two months, and two weeks ago we finally moved into our own place and I have been busy cleaning, unpacking and organizing. Not to mention that we had issues getting internet hooked up at our house. Now that we finally have the working net at a good speed and I've got several rooms in my house organized and functional, I feel like I have time for things like... my blog!

So I'm back, for real this time.

Some new things:

• My blog background! The other one was too summery... plus I like change.
• I added an option on the right sidebar to follow my blog from facebook! Those of you facebook users that access my blog from my postings, you can now follow my blog without a google account!

Thoughts

I have to say that it is very easy to get caught up in "everyday" stresses, to the point where you're ruled by it... most of the time unknowingly so. And everything else just gets lost behind.

Ever been there?

I spent last weekend (labor day) at my parents house. Okay, not just the weekend...five days. :) I was looking forward to going as I was anxious for the chance to relax and re-evalute. I am definitely an extrovert at heart, but I need my alone time to think. I felt like my brain had been on fire for a couple months with no break...and I was exhausted. I'm sure most of you can relate. Sometimes just getting away or having a change in the pace of "normal" life can greatly ease.

My husband took a walk today and were discussing the on-load of thoughts we've been dealing with over the last couple months. I shared with him something I realized over the weekend: that being at that point makes us so vulnerable, its so easy to believe that that is "normal" and continue feeding into the busyness around us and completely lose sight of everything but what is right in front of us. Having our minds so wrapped up makes us susceptible to the ever-flowing temptations that try to rule our life. Its easy to forget things that are truly important, or things that we cared about, and before you know it you're making decisions you never thought you'd make.

Ever been there?

I am thankful to have had time to regenerate. I can focus on what's really important to me and being the person who I am, and the wife and mother-to-be that I want to be.

"Homesick", hormonal, or just plain tired?

It's an odd situation to be in, the one where you're in-between leaving an old life and starting a new one. We've been in Minnesota now for nearly four weeks, and of course are thankful to be fortunate enough to receive Andy's promotion and have the generosity of family to stay with, but it hasn't felt like we're actually living here yet. At least not to me. Last night I was struck with the realization that I had an entire life back in Indiana, and as I see pictures of my friends carry on with their life - the life that I normally would be part of - it makes me sad to think I'm not there. Regardless I would miss that and them, but I think it's a little more difficult since we haven't settled into a home here yet, and are having a hard time finding one, and that I haven't lived the normal daily things that I typically do. If I think about it... it has been an overload of constant stress for the last two+ months. First with packing, finishing up jobs, saying goodbyes, trying to sell our house... to the actual moving part, being away from Andy for two weeks, searching for a house, looking at house after house to be disappointed, living out of suitcases, and feeling like I'm intruding on the lives of those I'm staying with. :) So maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe I'm just hormonal.

The day has come!

On Sunday I thought I felt the baby move while driving in the car for 3 hours to my brother's house (my temporary place of residence). But it ended up being just gas.

Nice.

All day yesterday something strange was happening with my tummy and my chest, and I couldn't really figure out what was going on. I asked my sister-in-law what her heartburn felt like when she was pregnant and realized that I was having heartburn. It felt like someone was pushing on my chest and I slightly had a hard time breathing. Part of the problem solved. At 10 o'clock at night I was sitting on the couch by myself, everyone had already gone to bed, and my stomach lurched again - suddenly it finally hit me that I'd been feeling the baby move all day! YAY!!! I've been so excited to feel that from the moment I found out I was pregnant. And by the time I realized it everyone was in bed and I didn't have anybody to share it with. ;) That's okay, it's been fluttering quite a bit today again- very cool :)

Watch, I probably won't be saying that in a month or two when its constantly kicking me, but I'm enjoying it for now!

Also, my sister-in-law's midwife told her that if you can pinpoint what day you first feel your body move and then count five months from that day - that's your due date. Not sure if that's true or not, but if it is I'd be a couple weeks early! A girl can hope, right? :) But I've already programmed in my head the baby won't be born until February... that way if I'm on time, or early (not likely), I'll be surprised.

The Process

Well, it's two weeks later and I am still exhausted and stressed. I don't think that feeling will stop until we finally settle into our own place. After staying with my parents for two weeks while Andy traveled to Chicago, and back and forth from Minneapolis for training, we moved in with my brother and his family. We are only an hour away from Andy's work and our soon-to-be home town, hopefully things won't feel so stressful now that traveling has been cut back quite a bit.

I'm in the process of trying to find a home for us. I'm trying not to be too picky, but I want to like where we live if we're going to be there for the next year or two. I really don't want to live in apartment. It's really hard to go from owning a big whole home to moving into a smaller place, and I really had my hopes set on finding a house to rent. But so far, nothing. I have one option, an apartment that only has four units in the building and its outside of town and even has a nice view of a lake, but just the fact that its an apartment is stopping me from getting it. I don't love it, there is a couple of things I don't like about the place - I can't paint, which isn't a surprise, but I really wanted to do a nursery for the baby, so I'm a little bummed about that. And the layout of the living room is kind of impractical, and there is a couple of other things I dislike. Am I being too picky? I figured if I don't find a place by the end of this week then we'll probably just take that place. It just doesn't scream "home" to me, but then I'm not sure if anything will until I've lived there for awhile.

Who knows.

I'm still crossing my fingers for a house! :)

Cold and Exhausted.

We made it. After a not-so-fun week of packing, finishing work, saying goodbyes and 14 hrs of traveling I am left completely exhausted. I am glad to be in Minnesota finally after all the preparations to move, but its friggin' cold! You Minnesotan's weren't joking when you said it has been a crazy non-summer by being colder than usual. I've cuddled with a blanket all day - apparently it was around 62 ish degrees our first day here. Whoo. Hoo. It's August, seriously? 62 degrees? Sigh. Well, it'll be an adjustment for awhile, not having a permanent place to live just yet, colder weather, living out of suitcases... I am glad to be here though, I just desperately need to relax for a little bit and recover and I will be a much happier camper. Sleep. Sleep....ah how lovely you sound.

My first baby shower

Monday night I hop in the car with a couple friends to meet some other ladies for a "girls' night" while Andy went with his friends for a "guys' night," one last hoo-rah before we move this weekend. We get to one of my favorite restaurants in town (a unique old-style restaurant that used to be used as a brewery) and once inside I discovered that this "girls' night" is actually in fact a baby shower for me! A total surprise, I had no idea. Who typically gets a baby shower at only 13 weeks along? I felt so loved and so honored that they did that for me. My friends said they wanted to do something since I was leaving, they've been praying for this baby almost as much as I have been- so I know they're disappointed not to be able to see it when it arrives and see me get big and pregnant! It was such a blessing and a fun night.

I felt so special. :)

My friends here are great. I am truly going to miss life here and the people most of all. Can't I just pack them up with me and take them along? ;)