Progress

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions regarding sleeping babes. I really enjoyed reading all of your thoughts, you all had good stuff to say and your words have really helped me as I'm beginning to teach my daughter to put herself to sleep.

I am pleased to report that we are having success - in fact, Vienna has put herself to sleep for two straight weeks now.

I really gave it a lot of thought and ultimately I didn't want to make a decision based out of frustration. I really think you were all right, that it depends on the child - and tuning into what your baby needs. I really thought about what it would be like to be her, I tried to put myself in her position - as a little babe, who doesn't know things like I do, whose senses are more alert than mine are and who is more sensitive to them. If I were her, what would I go through if I cried and cried and nobody came for me? I tested the waters twice before I wrote my previous post regarding the matter, and when she cried I could tell she was fearful - and when I finally went in to get her, her eyes were wild and she was scared. It was after this I really began to give it a lot of thought because my decisions are going to affect her development emotionally, as well as in every other way.

A certain friend gave me some great advice in where she talked about feeling empathy for your child and letting them know that you are there - even if that means not giving them what they want. And to be emotionally present as well as physically present. Taking this into consideration I kind of just went for it, I tried to tune into what I thought Vienna needed and made sure I was reacting out of love and with empathy, and it was rather interesting to see how well and quickly Vienna responded.

The first two days I stayed with Vienna until she fell asleep, nap times and bedtime. I did not rock her. Sometimes I needed to lay my hand on her to let her know I was there, sometimes just sitting next to the crib or lying with her was all she needed. She cried, a little, but not the extent of if I had left her alone. The first few times it took a little while for her to fall asleep, but I hoped that spending the time doing this and staying focused would pay off, and we quickly made progress. It was rather interesting to see the difference in Vienna when my own emotions changed - she responded so well when I was focused on her, being patient and loving, as to how much fussier she became when I got irritated and impatient. Now, two weeks later this is where we stand: I lay her down, make sure she has her pacifier and blankie - of course give her a kiss - and walk out the room. I usually have to go back a couple of times because her pacifier will fall out and she'll fuss for it, but then sometimes she goes to sleep straight from the beginning. Half of the time she puts herself to sleep just from the comfort of her pacifier and her blankie, without fuss. Yes! Success! The other 50% of the time she is a little worked up and stimulated where she won't settle down enough to lay still to fall asleep, so I will stay in there and keep my hand on her, by her face usually - she likes to hold my fingers to her cheek - and just spending a few minutes being with her comforts her enough for her to fall asleep - I almost always let go of my hold and walk out of the room before she's completely fallen asleep. Sometimes if she is really worked up I'll spend a couple of minutes rocking her to calm her wiggly body and then I will lay her down - and over the last two weeks I have discovered that she prefers not to be rocked to sleep, she gets to a point where she just wants to be put down.

So not only has nap-times and bedtimes become easier and less of a stress, but she is sleeping more soundly through the night because of it. I noticed a change through the night from the very first day. She is a lot less fidgety and is sleeping in longer chunks of time. On a normal night she gets up twice, though she's given me two nights in the past two weeks of only one nighttime feeding! And when she wakes up to feed, all I have to do is lay her back in bed and she falls asleep on her own. Yes!

So that's the update! I am so thankful. So thanks again, I really appreciate everyone for caring enough to respond, your input and encouragement was great and I am so happy that we're making progress!

Toe time

Vienna has recently discovered that she can reach her feet.

And has endlessly played with her toes ever since.

She plays with them all of the time....bath time, nap time...and every time between.

And sometimes she just likes to have her feet ready for when she does want to play with them. Goofy girl sits like this all the time...feet sticking straight out.

Baby toes. Just about the cutest thing ever.

What's the best way?

My house is a mess, dishes stacked on the counter and a to do list that doesn't seem to end... but here I sit, ready to blog - just because I want to. My daughter is sleeping, I've already got my run in and showered, so I'm putting the house work on hold, made myself a cup of coffee and here I am.

This week has been a stressful week in terms of sleep. Vienna has been a bear about nap times and waking up during the night. I'm not entirely sure if this is a result from being away from home for several days last week, or if it's just a new phase... but its tiring. It's got me thinking about the method of "letting your kid cry themselves to sleep," also known as the "ferber" method. I am undecided. I don't like the idea of letting my baby cry herself to sleep, but do I just feel that way because I'm a first time mom? Is it a healthy method? Or is there other ways? I know it's effective... so that is promising, but at what cost? I'm confused...

The other day I felt like I rocked Vienna the entire day. It would be one thing if she was happy when she doesn't get her naps in, or even being content sitting on my hip - but she's not, nothing makes her happy and I know sleep is the only cure. Anyways, it was a long day and I thought surely she was going to just pass out at her bedtime feeding. But, nope. Wide awake. Her bedtime is typically around 7pm, it was 11pm and I'd tried everything. I was laying in bed, rocking her in her bassinet - irritated. She was doing this thing that she'd fall asleep, and I thought...yes, success! And then fifteen minutes later (if that), she would wake up! Finally, I'd had enough, and I thought to myself..."Fine, I'm just going to hold her..." (We've slept many nights like this...me, cradling her in my arms while we lay down sleeping. I'm sure it's super comfy for Vienna, for mommy...not so much. But at least we both get some rest.) I picked her up, laid back down, snuggled her close and kissed her forehead over and over. She instantly stopped fussing, breathed a deep breath like she was sighing, and was still, as if to say, "That's all I wanted, Momma." I lay there for at least five minutes feeling guilty and thinking about how much I loved her and that I would hold her like that forever if that's what it took. I thought she was fast asleep, she wasn't moving a muscle or making a peep. I opened my eyes to steel a glance at her and was startled to find her wide-eyed, staring at me with the sweetest little eyes I've ever seen. I wondered how long she'd been looking at me...what was she thinking, I wonder? I can't even explain how much love I felt for her at that moment. And then, it didn't take long for both of us to fall asleep...

At times like that I can't bear the thought of letting herself scream herself to sleep. All she wanted was for me to hold her. I had to check my attitude, and give up my selfishness for what I wanted in that moment. And I find that I have to do that a lot, being a mom can wear you thin and for everything you're worth...but I find that when I check myself, my attitude, and take a step back - and then re-approach the situation at hand, things tend to work themselves out and everyone is much happier.

So, with that being said, am I contemplating letting her cry herself to sleep out of my own selfishness? Or, because that's what every parent needs to do at some point? Or, because it's what's best for her? I have no idea. I don't know what's the best way. So I guess I'm asking all you other mom's...what did you do? Did you have a baby that had to be rocked to sleep endlessly, how did you break that habit? And at what age? I don't intend to do anything as of yet, I feel like she's still a little young, but then really...what is a good age? If we did eventually decide to do the "ferber" method, I'm not entirely sure I can handle it...and I know Andy will be worse off than me, I'd have to put a lock on the door for him not to go in there. So I think deep down I really want to know of some better options... ?

Growing girl

It is so fun to see Vienna change from week to week. She is 13 weeks today. It has gone by so fast, but it's still weird to say that I have a 3-month-old daughter.

She may have the good looks of her daddy, but she definitely has a few of my traits. One of them being her sleeping habits. She LOVES to cuddle a blanket. She takes all of her naps with her blankie like this and will grab it like it's the best thing in the world, (that and her pacifier - if she's not sucking on her pacifier she's sucking on her fingers.) I was very much like that when I was little, I sucked my thumb for far too long (unfortunately) and I was incredibly attached to my blanket as a child. I had to have it to go to sleep and I would always pet it, it was so soft. To this day I still like to cuddle the blanket underneath my arm when I sleep.

She's such a good sleeper. There are times she fights going to sleep, and times when she can be a very sensitive sleeper. But the majority of the time she goes down pretty easy (she's even fallen asleep on her own a couple of times.) And she has pretty good chunks of sleeping time, during the day and at night.

It's so neat to see her learn, first just with noticing toys and now actually grabbing them and playing with them. She loves this flower rattle. I mean, really loves it. She smiles and talks to that thing like its her best friend.

We got her a play-mat just the other day and she has been loving that as well.

And I'm in the process of transitioning her into her 3-6 month clothes. Its kinda sad to put away some of these outfits she's worn for the past three months, all of the sudden one day half of the things were too small for her. There's still several 0-3 things she can still wear... so she's not officially in the next size as most of those are still big on her. It's just crazy how fast they grow! I mean really, everyday I feel like she's different. Either she looks a little different or can do something a little differently. But I love each new day with her.

Easter weekend

We drove up north for Easter and stayed at my parents house. We really had a great weekend enjoying time with our families!

Saturday we traveled further up the north shore to attend my sister-in-law Jessie's baby shower. Her husband Zack (Andy's brother) has been at basic these last several months and she was getting ready to move down to FL to be with him while he was in tech-school and would be gone until November. When we arrived Jessie surprised the family by brining Zack into the room - nobody was expecting him, in fact we all thought we wouldn't see him until November. It was a nice surprise and we are all excited that he's home. Turns out that they'll probably be able to stay until after their baby is born! Which is exciting for what that means to them and we'll also get to see the baby when it arrives!

Left to Right:

Jessie (due in July)

Zack (Andy's older brother)

Me

Andy & Vienna

Amber (due in May)

Ben (Andy's younger brother)

Easter morning we had a famous Petron family breakfast (one of the best parts of visiting my family!) and then took the kids outside to hunt for Easter eggs. All of my nephews were there and they had a blast finding the eggs we hid in the yard and along the trail down to the river. It was a gorgeous morning, I don't remember it being that warm in MN on Easter in...a long time!

Vienna went Easter egg hunting too, well maybe in her dreams. :) She slept in Opa's arms the whole time.

Of course we had to get Vienna an Easter dress. She did great letting us take pictures of her, I think she liked posing. :)

Birthday fun

My birthday was last week, the big two-five. I am officially a quarter of a century old. It was my first birthday as a mom, and it was a great day spending time with my daughter and my husband! I woke up to a smiling Vienna, she gave me a birthday card - such a sweet little girl :) and Andy took me out to breakfast. Then he surprised me with a shopping trip in the cities. For supper we met up with my brother and sister-in-law and ate at the Osaka hibachi grill. It was delicious food and great entertainment. I ordered sushi...yum!

Everyone else ordered from the grill and we were all entirely entertained by the grill master's show.

And then of course Andy had to embarrass me and tell them it was my birthday. They played a loud japanese birthday song with lights flashing everywhere as they brought desert to me - some kind of fried banana...it was yummy!

And they made me wear the birthday face...

It was a fun birthday! The best part was just spending time with my wonderful family.

Life lately

My blogging intentions have been good; my follow-through, however, not so good. I've had several things I've wanted to blog about, but haven't set aside time to do so. I do have a good excuse though- a new baby. I absolutely love being a mommy, love it. But, it is an adjustment to have a newborn at home. I don't mind accommodating the adjustment, it just takes a little while to get used to. Balancing the household necessities, caring for my daughter, errands, my husband and everything else, is rather challenging at times. Sometimes it's hard to remember what is priority and what's not. I constantly have to remind myself that it's okay if the laundry doesn't get done, or the house is messy, or...blogs fail to be posted. It's such a better use of my time to spend time with my daughter, enjoying these moments as a family and to try to catch up on that never-fully-satisfying rest. For to-be-mothers that statement seems so easy and obvious, but mothers that have already gone through it know that the adjustment can be a challenge. As previously mentioned, I really don't mind accommodating, it's just a new way of life.

Vienna starts my day out so joyfully. She is full of smiles and coos the minute she wakes up. I could have gotten awful sleep that night and she could've been up every two hours, but when she is up for the day she is one happy little munchkin - it's impossible not to melt at her smiles. She is officially smiley and talkative, with random happy squeals and lots of happy kicking. She is so close to laughing. She's made a few giggle-type squeals but not full out laughter. She is starting to find her hands and loves to suck on them and she loves bath time, music and being snuggled. I just love her to pieces.

More pictures and blogs to come in the next couple days!

Vienna: 5-weeks-old

These are a few of my favorites from Vienna's 5-week-old photo session with Júste Photography.

Birth Story

By my 35 week appointment I was already 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced, and the baby was past the point of engagement. We (Andy, myself and my midwife) were pretty certain the baby was going to come before my due date, but the big "when" was the question. The possibility of having a premature baby was scary and I took it easy to try to make it to full-term. When that 37 week mark hit we all breathed a big sigh of relief. But then the guessing game started - each day we woke up wondering if that was going to be the day. At my 38 week appointment I was already dilated 4.5 cm and was 75% effaced and the bag of water was bulging....I was ripe and ready! And uncomfortable. I had braxton-hicks, but they were never consistent and consecutive. I was driving myself crazy, looking at the clock at every contraction, thinking I should take a nap in case I went into labor...just waiting.

One morning I decided I needed something to keep my mind off of playing the guessing game so I pulled out my easel and decided to start a painting project. I sat on my exercise ball (that was about the only thing I sat on at that point as it took away some of the pressure and didn't hurt as much as sitting on the couch or a chair) and began painting a picture for the baby's room. I had contractions all day - on and off - but nothing was consistent, it was just like any other day. I tried to take a nap and couldn't, so I kept painting and I finished the painting after supper. At 10pm I crawled into bed, and as soon as I laid down I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. At first I just thought it was the baby moving, but I soon realized that they were contractions. The baby was moving, during and in-between contractions, she wouldn't stop wiggling and it made things pretty uncomfortable. I timed the contractions and discovered they were coming every 10 minutes. After an hour I figured I should probably wake up Andy - our hospital is an hour away and we'd already decided that when I started contracting we should drive to my brother's house (he lives a couple minutes away from the hospital) and stay there, just so we were close. We were going to wait until my contractions were closer together, but since it was night and it was dusting snow outside we figured to go right away and play it safe. We hoped to get some rest at their house before going into the hospital. We left our house around 11:15pm, Andy had slept for 2 hours, I, however, hadn't slept since the night before. I tried to rest in the car but my contractions were steadily getting closer together and I was busy timing them. At this point I still wasn't convinced I was in labor. The contractions were tolerable and easy to breath through, only slightly more intense than what I'd experienced for the last couple weeks. I was almost certain we were wasting our time traveling there, I honestly expected the contractions to up and quit....I mean really, who is lucky enough to go into labor early on their first baby?

During the drive to the hospital my contractions were (on average) 6 minutes apart. We contemplated going straight to my brother's house and trying to rest until they got even closer together, but we ended up going to the hospital instead. When we walked in a nurse greeted us and asked if I was in labor, it was about 12:30am when she put us in a room. The nurse checked me to see what my progress was, if any, but she couldn't find my cervix. Another nurse tried and she too couldn't get to my cervix. Apparently it was posterior (back behind the baby's head.) I sat up, Andy and I talked to the nurse for a few minutes and I adjusted myself on the bed to get comfortable when suddenly I felt this pop inside of me. I moved again and felt like I was peeing my pants. I said, "I either just peed my pants or my water just broke!" After determining that my water really did break was when reality finally settled in and it became real to me that I was actually in labor and our baby would be born that day. I was nervous and excited and really really tired.

Immediately after my water broke my contractions changed. They were much stronger and very quickly became closer together. The nurses called the midwife and I was so anxious for her to come. Since it was still early in labor and the middle of the night I knew she wouldn't be there until a little later. And since my cervix was posterior she told the nurses to have me labor leaning forward to try to bring the cervix back around the baby's head. The nurses showed me a few different positions I could try and suggested changing positions every 20 minutes. First I tried leaning against the back of the bed with my rear sticking out, I did stay like that for 20 minutes but the stronger my contractions got the more uncomfortable it was on my back. I moved to the birthing ball and leaned against the bed. After I got on the ball my contractions really started picking up, they were coming every 2-4 minutes and were increasingly getting longer. Andy was behind me rubbing my back. I completely lost track of time at this point, I didn't bother to look at the clock to try to time contractions, I had no idea how much time passed by. My contractions were getting so close and intense that all I could do get through them was to concentrate on each one as they came. Quickly I began feeling like there was no break. One contraction would be short, the next one would be super long and I'd feel like it wouldn't completely die off, then I'd have yet another. I just dealt with them as they came, trying to stay relaxed. That just kept running through my head - to try to relax and let my body do what it needed to do. I found that moaning helped me. It helped me breath through the contractions and opening my mouth made my body relax. Same with my hands, if I made a conscious effort to unclench my hands, my body would relax more. The nurse walked in a few times and made a comment about how relaxed I looked...though I really didn't feel like I was doing that good of a job at it. It was easy to loose focus and I began to do so. It was easy to let the pain take over, which made me tense up with each contraction, which only brought on more pain. It was so intense that I didn't even know what to do with myself. That was when the midwife showed up. Ruth walked into the room and the whole atmosphere became more calm and I felt very comforted by her presence. She walked in during a contraction and leaned down next to me sitting on the ball and rubbed my back. There was something about a motherly touch during labor that just relaxed me. I couldn't have gone through labor without Andy, I was oddly aware of exactly where he was during the whole night and his presence and touch gave me strength to get through it. But something about her touch brought peace to me, it was like she knew exactly what I needed. She spoke soothingly to me and with her words painted a picture for me of what was going on inside my body. She told me to imagine my cervix opening around the baby's head with each contraction. Being reminded of what was going on inside of me was what I needed to get me through the rest of labor. For me to visualize it was helpful. Going into labor I knew that the more I could understand about what would be going on in my body, the more it would help me. If I could divert my attention away from just feeling the pain and instead to understand it, I believed that would get me through.

Ruth had me lay on the bed so could check me, my contractions were very close at this point and I had two while on the bed. Those two I had laying down were the worse ones I'd experienced up to that point, and I was so anxious to get off the bed as soon as possible. There's something about lying on your back that makes the contractions that much more painful. But I was glad to hear my progress, this was the first time I knew where I was at since coming to the hospital. I was 100% effaced and dilated 7cm, already in transition. I knew enough from my readings that transition was generally the most painful part of labor, so I knew that things were going to get more intense, but I was close!

I was allowed to get into the tub at this point, I was so anxious to get in. The warm water felt so good, it was very soothing on my tired body and at first it really helped ease a little of the pain. But really quickly the contractions picked up and were right on top of each other. The contractions at the end of the first stage of labor were intense, each one was worse than the previous - I knew I was getting close to being fully dilated and just kept going back to the words Ruth spoke to me and I kept trying to visualize what was happening. I wasn't aware of time, at all. I was very aware that Andy was in front of me holding my hand, and I was aware of what I was doing, but not of anything else. I kept holding onto the knowledge that I was close and that that it wasn't going to last forever, these contractions were numbered. I moved around in the tub a bit trying a few different positions, rocking my hips from side to side felt good. I remember feeling slightly delusional as the pain peaked. At this point I wasn't only moaning with each contraction but I was saying "Ooookaaay. OOOoookaaay," over and over. I couldn't stop saying it. It was like I was trying to get myself to accept the pain, or to tell myself, "Okay, I can do it." I was kneeling and had my head on the side of the tub. I shook my head from side to side, over and over, because I liked the way my brain felt - like it was sloshing around in my head, kind of like I had a little too much to drink. When I realized that I was doing this and why I was doing it, I also realized that I was at the end of the first stage, because I knew that being delirious, or slightly delirious at least, meant I was dilating the last couple centimeters. I think I only experienced a few more contractions like that before I felt the urge to push. I wasn't entirely certain I was ready to push or if it was just the pressure. I told the nurse and she went to get the midwife so she could check me. By the time they came back I had that uncontrollable urge to push. Ruth checked me and said I was 9cm, there was just a little lip of the cervix that wasn't around the baby's head. She said that during the next contraction she'd try to help the cervix dilate the rest of the way by holding it open, and it worked.

Then I started pushing. My contractions slowed down at this point, I had a break in between each one and I could stretch my legs a little bit and catch my breath. Things got really exciting at this point, it wouldn't be long until we'd hold our baby. Pushing was such a different type of experience than the first stage of labor. It took me awhile to get the hang of it. At first I was scared of the pressure and the irresistible urge, I don't think I was pushing as much as I could. I didn't use the contractions to the full potential and I kept wasting my breath by letting it out too fast. Ruth helped correct my breathing and coached me through each contraction and I eventually got it. After understanding how to breath and how to push it actually felt better to push than not to. It felt good because I was doing something, I had a job to do, it was up to me to get the baby out. I would say that pushing wasn't as painful as the end of dilating, but I pushed for an hour and twenty minutes, so it got to be pretty intense. I quickly began getting really exhausted. I was running on zero sleep. They kept having me drink orange juice in-between contractions. I didn't feel like drinking anything, but I knew it was important to give me energy so I drank anyway. Andy held me me from behind, outside the tub, and I know it was awkward for him to hold me but it helped so much just to feel his touch. He and the nurses kept putting cold clothes on my chest and that felt so good. Ruth was great at getting me through the pushing. Once I'd start pushing with a new contraction she'd say, "Okay, let's get back to where we were. Okay, you're there, now let's go further. Good, good, good!" It was so encouraging to hear that I was making progress. They held a mirror for us to see and I always thought I'd never want to look and half the time I was concentrating so hard that I didn't care to look, but there were several times that being able to see gave me a huge boost, it was really neat to see the progress and it gave me more energy to keep going.

Once the baby began to crown I reached down and felt her head for the first time, it was amazing. I feared the burning sensation that I read about that women experience when the baby crowns. It was intense, but once I felt the initial sensation I tried very hard to relax the muscles and then the burning wasn't as bad. (Or maybe it was just the fact that I was so ready to be done pushing.) And then, her head finally came out! I can't even describe how good it felt when it did, It was amazing to know that within minutes I'd be holding our baby. I pushed through two more contractions to get her shoulders through and then the rest of her slipped right out. There she was, our baby girl was born at 7:22am! The sensation of giving birth to our baby was so powerful. Ruth brought her up out of the water and handed her to me. I was overcome with emotion, I grabbed her and held her to my chest as Andy and I cried at the sight of our beautiful baby girl. She was perfect. After four years of waiting to get pregnant, nine months of pregnancy, and nine hours of labor, she was finally here! Ruth and the nurses all commented on how pink she was (most water babies take a little bit longer to pink up) but she was pink instantly. We all noticed how long her fingers were and how big her feet were. We oohed-and-aawed over her and held her there in the tub for awhile. We must've been in there for a good 15-20 minutes before I had another contraction to birth the placenta. I pushed three times to get it out. Ruth show it to us and Andy and I, being weird like are, asked if we could touch it. We were both entirely intrigued to see the thing that gave our baby life. It was actually very neat. I think the whole process of how a baby grows inside of you is just amazing. So is birth, the fact that your body was designed to give birth and literally knows what to do, and then does it! And the result is a beautiful precious little bundle of life.

Going into pregnancy I knew what kind of labor I wanted. I also knew that labor was unpredictable and I knew I needed to roll with it as it came. But I believe that birth is a natural thing, not a medical condition, and I wanted to embrace that aspect. Our bodies know exactly how to grow a baby and give life to that boy or girl, bones, fingernails, and eyes - we just let it do what it needs to do to create a baby. It knows just as well how to deliver that baby, if we let it and work with it to do so. I knew it'd be tough, I knew it would hurt, but I wanted the experience of natural birth. Some people called me crazy and didn't understand why I was doing it that way, and others encouraged me and believed like I did. I was a big believer before, and now after experiencing it myself, I am even a bigger believer. I made my decision based on my own desires and facts that I learned and the information I researched and I am completely satisfied and happy with the process of bringing our daughter into this world and I am so thankful to experience the birth of our daughter. Giving birth is such a monumental thing in a couples life and I wanted the experience to be something Andy and I did together. Sure, I did all of the "labor," but if Andy hadn't been there with me I don't know if I could've gotten through it. Just knowing that he believed in me, and to feel his touch when I needed it, gave me so much strength. I never once called him a bad name, cursed, or said anything negative - I'm proud of that, I actually thought I'd say things I'd regret later, but it never even crossed my mind during the whole process. I went into labor believing in myself and my body, and I kept holding onto the truth that I could do it - so many other woman do it, I could too! I also knew that it was inevitable, so there was no point in dreading it, why not embrace it instead? I really did look at it positively and every time I got scared and nervous I tried to focus on the those truths I knew and the things I read. Asking for drugs never crossed my mind, not once. I knew that if I went into labor saying "I'll try," and "We'll see," that it was likely I'd ask for pain meds. So I made up my mind beforehand that I was doing it naturally. Drugs weren't an option and I honestly never once thought about them during labor. I told myself I could do it, and I did. I am so happy about the experience we had of the birth of our daughter. It was amazing, an uplifting experience and something we will never forget.

Now, in all honesty, after it was all said and done and I was lying in bed after giving birth to Vienna, I was convinced that there was no possible way I could ever do that again. But by the next day that feeling wore off, and I started to think that I could do it again. I have no idea what it is like to give birth any other way, I've obviously only ever done it once, but my sister-in-law has had three kids, the first two she had an epidural, and the last one she had in the same hospital as me, same midwife, and did a natural water-birth, she said she'd definitely do it that way again. I would definitely say that I would do it again too.

I gave birth to Vienna exactly one week early. She was born at 7:22am after nine hours of labor, weighing in at 6 pounds and 10 ounces. She was 20 inches long and had a head full of hair, beautifully defined lips and very long fingers. Here's our angel:

Covered in snow fog

Wow, is it ever pretty outside today! I woke up and was delighted to see everything covered thick with snow - or fog, so the weather-lady called it. I didn't realize that fog could be fluffy and stick to the trees, but whatever - I'm not a meteorologist. All I know is that it's gorgeous out. I couldn't resist snapping a couple pictures around our house.

Our driveway/front yard

Our backyard/the lake

Our house

Baby Bump Pictures

I had a 36 week pregnancy photo shoot with Júste Photography back on New Year's day. (Júste Photography happens to be my brother and sister's business,) and I think they're pretty great and am thrilled with the way the pictures turned out! I was so excited to get my pictures, I love them. I've already shared them on facebook, but not everyone has facebook so I thought I'd put a few of my favorites on here as well.

A Positive Negative

I've wanted to share my story for awhile now, but I think the thing that was stopping me was fear. Fear of being judged, of not being understood and simply fear of being so personal. But the tug to put my experience into words keeps persisting, so I'm finally doing it. And if it helps even just one person than it'll be worth it to me. It's a little lengthy but I hope you read it. So, here it goes:

As I grew up all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Sure, there were other things I wanted to be too - I had aspirations to be a writer when I was very young. I would pull out my parents typewriter (this was, of course, before computers became an item that was found in any ordinary household) and I would touch the round keys and pretend to write something special. And there was also a phase in my teen years of wanting to be a musician, I was convinced I would be part of a successful band.

But through those phases and all the other hopes and dreams in-between, above all, I wanted to be a mom. I knew I'd be a mom.

I have spent almost my whole life around kids. Literally. I grew up with my cousins as my playmates, babysitting the younger ones. Starting at the age of 12 I volunteered my entire summers as a camp counselor. I eventually got paid, but continued doing it for five years. 85% of the jobs I have had have dealt with children in some sort of fashion. I loved kids. I still do. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. It was always #1 on the top of my list.

Did you grow up thinking that when a person got married - nine months later they had a baby? I did. I thought that's the way life worked, they went hand-in-hand. Of course, as I grew older I learned that there was more to it than that. But still with the knowledge of reality I never once thought I couldn't or wouldn't be able to have a child. It wasn't something I ever questioned.

Does anyone?

Infertility, I feel, isn't something that the common person thinks about before trying to conceive. Millions of babies are born in the U.S. every year, people get pregnant on accident without intentionally doing so... so why would I have a problem getting pregnant? I'm normal. He's normal. Why should something so common be a challenge, especially if it's intentional?

Literally a million things need to go right inside the body to conceive a child. There is a very small window each month that a woman can actually get pregnant. If you take all things into consideration and look at all the things that could go wrong, along with the limited chances women have to conceive, it is hard to deny that a fetus - a baby - is nothing short of a miracle. The whole process is rather amazing and I think the speciality of it gets lost in the commonality.

We, like most people, didn't think twice about getting pregnant, so when we decided to have a baby and found that we didn't get pregnant right away, we were baffled. I mean really, what's so hard about it? Why can high-school girls get pregnant by having sex one time- and a married couple that has decided to responsibly have a baby, can't? At first when we realized that it wasn't happening I was in pretty good spirits about it. I just kept hoping "next month." And when I heard family members and friends share news that they were pregnant I was ecstatic because I knew I was going to be next! Anytime now, I would be pregnant.

But I wasn't.

For some reason I measured the time we were trying to conceive by other people's pregnancies. I'm not sure if everyone who tries to conceives thinks like that, but I did, it was an unavoidable way to keep track of time. The first time two members of my family became pregnant I thought: "Surely in 9 months, by the time their babies are born, I'll be pregnant!" After all, 9 months is a long time when you're staring at it in the face, it always seemed like more than enough time for something to happen to me. But when my nephew and niece were born, my results were still negative. I was disappointed. This was still at the beginning of our struggle and I raised my head and told myself there could be a number of possible reasons why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. One simply being the fact that after stopping the use of birth control it can take a full year for it to completely leave the body. The other being that a year really is only 12 chances of conceiving (or less for those with irregular cycles,) so we simply could have not hit the open window. These facts gave me hope, for awhile.

But month after month, after month, passed by.

Then, the same two family member's announced they were pregnant, again. Since I seemed to be measuring my failure in other people's pregnancies, this was really hard for me to hear. Only because of the fact that in the amount of time it took for them to get pregnant, give birth, watch their kid grow some and get pregnant again - I couldn't get pregnant even once. It was a blow to my emotional state. It was a huge reality slap in the face. It's hard to describe exactly how a woman feels when she can't have a baby, and the emotions that she goes through. You won't really know unless you've been through it. It's a wide array of failure, confusion, anger, jealousy, self-pity, hopelessness... to name a few. It's an intense roller-coaster ride to feel hope at the possibility of another chance and another month - to having that hope stolen away from you and crash down around you when you get a negative result. Over and over and over. Up and down, back and forth. This specific announcement meant we had been trying for two years. It was an awful realization for us and left us me very frustrated.

At this point we hadn't taken any medical action why we weren't able to conceive, we had been playing the waiting game all along. We talked about our options. Andy was always the voice of reason and brought the situation back to rationality. We realized we were still young and didn't really know to what extent we wanted to take things if we did decide to do something. I, of course, wanted a baby slightly more than him, so there were times I felt like he didn't care or that it wasn't important to him. But he did care, in a way I couldn't understand at the time. If it wasn't for him keeping a level-head and reasoning, I would've been an utter basket-case.

We did do a couple of standard procedures and though results were normal it gave us little comfort. I did a ton of research about different ways to increase fertility and learned a ton about the way the body works (which is all very fascinating and good to know) but nothing helped us.

I'd hear news after news of other people getting pregnant. I'd see other pregnant women in the store. I would sit with a group of close friends and try to join in on conversation that I couldn't relate to because they all had kids and I didn't. It was extremely hard. I felt like every way I turned I was being reminded of the fact that I could possibly never have children. I felt like it was absolutely un-fair. Why me? Why us? Would we be bad parents? Would we ever be able to have kids and at what cost? Part of me felt like I deserved a baby. I just didn't understand why it wasn't happening...?

Anyone who has gone through this struggle has probably heard the phrase: "Just don't think about it and it'll happen." At first I accepted this phrase and even tried my skills at it, but I grew to hate it. In fact there were times I despised it. I would roll my eyes when people would say this, deep down I felt like they couldn't possibly understand, they had no clue. I tried so hard to achieve this phrase, but it was an impossible feat. I couldn't help but think about it, especially when you can't help but having mother nature remind you of it every month. I was around so many kids in my life that when I'd see them I couldn't stop hoping to someday hold my own little baby in my arms. The up and down was exhausting.

Obviously women are more emotional than men, but there were times when it was tough for Andy too. In these moments of us both being overwhelmingly frustrated was when we decided to take further medical action. Over the course of our "trying to conceive" we really only did minimal medical alternatives. Insurance typically doesn't cover infertility, and we didn't want to spend a lot of money doing things when we would've rather put that money towards adopting. But we did decide to try Clomid, which is a standard first step doctors use for infertility. For those of you that don't know what it is, its a drug you take to force your body to ovulate. (A lot of times infertility is an issue of ovulation. A lot of times woman don't ovulate and don't even know it.) It was never determined if my issue was ovulation or not, and because of insurance the doctor suggested trying Clomid first before determining that, as either way it won't do harm. We tried this twice (a good six+ months apart from each other) for three months at a time, and neither chunk of time worked. I took this drug in result of frustration and didn't do research beforehand. I know a lot of women that have had success on Clomid, but unless you know for certain that you have an issue with ovulation- I wouldn't recommend it. The doctors say it's perfectly safe regardless, and I'm sure this is true for the most part, but I wish I hadn't taken it, it's never a good idea to do something out of frustration. I didn't like the side effects while taking it nor was I aware of the side effects if I had gotten pregnant while on it. It thins your uterus, which increases the normal dangers of carrying a child and causes a higher risk of a miscarriage. And it highly rises your chances in having a cesarean. The drug also doesn't wear out of the body for several months after taking it, which if conceived while on it can result in the baby getting the effects of it. Please understand that I am not, in any means, against this drug. As mentioned, I know women that have gotten pregnant on it and they're babies are perfect and beautiful and may not have otherwise been able to have babies of their own. What I am saying is that I wish I personally hadn't taken it, because I did it for the wrong reasons and I didn't do research for something I was putting my own body through. I didn't even know what/if something was truly wrong with my ovulation in the first place. (Those store-bought-ovulation-pee-sticks aren't a very accurate way to determine unless you have a text-book cycle, which a lot of us don't.)

Of course I didn't feel this way until after the fact. So the negative results we got on the drug was, again, more than disappointing. We really didn't want to go much further medically, for our own personal reasons. So we waited. I distinctly remember the hardest point of my struggle. December came and I swore I was pregnant (like I had so many times before). I was getting the standard pregnancy side effects and my period was late (which wasn't uncommon) so I let myself start to think of how I would tell my family at Christmas. I took a test, but it came back negative, but there was still no period. This is the worst, and I can't even tell you how many times it happened to me. You get disappointed, but yet you get hopeful all at the same time because both realities are possible. Well, right before I left for Christmas vacation I got my period - Big. Huge. Bummer. Okay, whatever... I got over it, disappointment was becoming second nature to me. But then, over Christmas vacation my little sister announced she was pregnant with her first baby. Hearing this was the hardest point for me emotionally. It was suppose to be my turn, I was the one who was suppose to be pregnant, I was so close. It was also just yet another blow in the face to show me how long it really had been since we first started trying to get pregnant. And I have to admit I was jealous of the fact that she'd only been married a few months and I'd been married for over three years. How could some people get pregnant after only a few months and others couldn't get pregnant after a few years? It wasn't fair.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, with each baby announcement that brought my struggles to my face, I overcame. With each announcement I was sincerely happy for my sisters and my friends, it was just hard not to focus on my own selfish emotions. I wanted them to know that I was honestly happy for them, and the last thing I wanted was for them to feel bad about their joy. My struggle was my own struggle, and the longer I struggled the more I realized that. It was unfair of me to let anger rise inside of me for something no one had control over. Sure, their news sparked emotions in me, but that wasn't their fault. How I dealt with those emotions was my own responsibility and they had every right to be as happy as they pleased. My family is pretty close and my sisters have shared in this struggle with me. They know that my heart was never in anger about their pregnancies, and even though the initial announcement may have brought emotions front in myself, God helped me to rid myself of those emotions and be able to be 100% happy for my sisters and my friends and share in their joy. They sympathized with my unattainable desire and I am so thankful for their understanding. And I am also glad that they never kept from expressing the joy they felt in fear of hurting me, I would've felt awful, and did feel awful for the way I felt in the first place. I love them for being so understanding and sensitive and hopeful for me, and it brings me great joy to see them with their own kids. I am so thankful for God's help in helping me overcome those things that could have turned me into a bitter and cynical woman.

But even with that being said, the next year was probably the hardest for me. Not only was I struggling with not getting pregnant each month, but realizing things about myself that I didn't like. Things I was oblivious to. I needed to be humbled in several areas of my life. One being the knowledge I thought I had of children. A parent can never know everything they should and no matter how much you prepare you still won't be ready or know everything. I will make mistakes, that's a given. And it's important to learn from other people, not in a judging way, but to observe, to be open-minded and listen.

I also genuinely realized (even though I always knew) that a baby will never fulfill me. Even if I got what I wanted it wasn't going to satisfy me if that's what I was placing my happiness on. A baby is innocent and pure when they enter this world, and are made to be loved, nurtured and live a purpose. How dare I put expectations on an unborn child for my own selfish reasons, how can I expect that child to fulfill me? The baby isn't for me, to feel good, to feel complete, to feel loved. No. A baby is a blessing and a gift and I hope to raise my babies in love, to guide them, nurture them, and let them be who God intended them to be.

I also realized that I had all this time with my husband that some couples would kill for. I was given an opportunity to enjoy my husband, build our relationship and enjoy things being "just us" that some couples never get to experience. And I was using it worrying about getting pregnant.

These were all good things to realize, but hard to learn. And through those lessons we still wanted that baby.

We had given ourselves a deadline. April. It had been four years. We contemplated taking a medical turn that would cost a nice chunk of money that insurance wouldn't cover and we didn't know whether to carry on with it or not. We had mixed feelings. I distinctly remembering going to the state park and going our separate ways to think and pray about it and then we'd come back together and talk. When we came back together we both felt the same way and came up with the same answer. That answer was to wait, and not go to the appointment. We obeyed. I was disappointed about the decision, but strangely enough I felt very peaceful about it and I knew it was right.

The next few weeks were very freeing for me. I can't even explain how different I felt. I felt like a weight got lifted off my shoulders. I began to think about what else I wanted in life besides being a mom, it had consumed so much of me I hadn't even realized it. I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. I began writing, a flawed passion of mine. I really savored the time I had with my husband. I can honestly say that I was truly and utterly content with the way my life was, exactly like it was. I can honestly say that I got to the point (I don't know how, but I got there) where I genuinely didn't care if I had a baby right then or not. It was refreshing.

Several weeks later I noticed I was feeling sick, and it wasn't foreign to me that my period could be due soon. (Since I'd always been irregular this was always the guessing game.) I kept telling myself not to believe I was pregnant, I'd been through this same thing before and never got a positive test back. Plus I didn't want to slip back into that coma-like-emotional-ride after feeling so good about the situation. So, I waited. I eventually went against my better judgement and bought a pregnancy test. I didn't tell my husband. I took it Wednesday morning, laid it on the back of the toilet and walked away. I have taken a ton of pregnancy tests over four years and I have this thing about not looking at them as they develop. I'm one of those people that when it says to wait 3 minutes, I wait a full 3 minutes before I even peek at it. I think in the past I seriously expected that the longer it laid there the more of a chance it had to change its mind and give me the result I wanted. So instead of just standing there I brushed my teeth. I remember sitting on the couch reprimanding myself for taking the test, I was only setting myself up for disappointment. I knew what the answer was going to be before I even looked at it. When I walked into the bathroom and looked at the test and it had one very solid, bright red, horizontal line... a negative. My heart fell, even though I'd prepared myself for this answer. I'd known. I picked up the test and held it close and happened to catch a glimpse of a very very faint, but still present, vertical line that corresponding with the horizontal line. A plus sign! A positive, I was pregnant! I literally fell to my knees in shock and cried, and all I could say over and over again was, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I couldn't believe it. The proof was there. I knew that even a faint line meant it was real, after all I'd never gotten anything close to that before! But that still didn't stop me from taking another one, just to make sure. I was so excited to tell my husband and was bursting at the seems all day to tell him. I bought him a willow tree figurine of a father holding a baby and wrapped it. When he came home from work I gave him the present and he opened it. He wasn't only confused that I was giving him a present out of the blue but by what it was when he opened it, he actually said "I think you gave me the wrong gift." I, of course, was beaming, and told him he was going to be a daddy. His face was priceless. Pure joy! He had no idea and was just as excited as I was when I saw the test that morning. It was so special to me to see his reaction, I will never forget it. Celebrating that moment together was awesome.

It finally happened, after four years and when we least expected it. And as it turns out, if we had gone to that doctor's appointment we had felt so troubled about, we wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

If you have experienced infertility, whether it is one year or eight years, I know how you feel. I just want you to know that someone else understands. When you feel like no one can possible understand what your going through, it's not true. You're not alone. My advice to you is to try to relax. Remember that phrase I talked about earlier? The one that I rolled my eyes at and despised? I'm proof that it really is true, if you can get to the point of genuinely letting go. I truly believe that a woman's thoughts and emotions can seriously alter conceiving a child. Thoughts can cause stress, whether you're aware of it or not, and stress can play a serious role in the process of conceiving. A woman's body has a natural self-protection mechanism, if her body feels like it can't handle a pregnancy safely it won't ovulate. Or if it does still ovulate and the "atmosphere" is still stressful it's self-protection mechanism won't implant a fertilized egg. You could be hitting the right times of the months, you and your partner could be 100% healthy and have no issues and still have a negative result. Remember when I said that a million things need to go right to conceive a child? I wasn't joking. We ultimately have no control over it anyway, so worrying about it really only does harm. I've done a ton of research, and from my own experience and several other woman's testimonies I've found this to be a common problem. When these women, and myself, finally let it go after years of struggling, found themselves pregnant - even after doctor's told some that it wasn't possible. I even know women that have tried nearly everything medically possible and nothing worked. They gave up, and when they let it go - mentally, physically and emotionally - they got pregnant. So when someone says "Don't think about it," don't just try to consciously not think about it, really feel it, and experience that freedom.

Everyone's situation is different. I didn't struggle as long as some, and some don't struggle as long as I did and each story is different. For some, medical intervention is necessary and for others its not. Everyone has their own beliefs and way they do things, so just look inside yourself and decide things based on what you believe and your situation. Do your research, don't make decisions out of frustration and decide things together as a couple. Sometimes your partner has a more rational perspective than you.

For anyone that hasn't tried getting pregnant yet or is just starting, don't even think twice about it if you don't get pregnant right away. Seriously. Even though a month seems like a long time, it's only one try. Four months is only four tries (or less for some with longer cycles) so don't get discouraged. To be honest I wouldn't even question anything until it's been a year (I know that seems like a long time, but all things considered with the way the body works and the influence our everyday life affects it, a year really isn't that long.) Just don't think about it and have fun and it will probably happen!

Now here I am, days away from giving birth to our child, and I still find it hard to believe that we're actually having a baby. When I look back at our situation in this new perspective I am actually thankful for it. We've had five years of marriage to enjoy alone and do whatever we please, once the baby is here there is no turning back to that life. We were able to build a stronger foundation together as a couple, we learned things that will hopefully make us better parents. In fact, I can't really imagine what life would be like if we had had a child when we first wanted one. I guess we don't always know what best for ourselves. Going through the struggle ended up being a positive thing. Even though it was negative to experience it at the time, it ended up being a good thing and has made us both appreciate the life of the baby growing inside of me that much more.

Baby's coming! Not today...but soon!

The reality that we will probably have the baby early is surreal. My due date is Jan. 28th and this whole pregnancy I had made up in my mind that the baby was going to be born in February. After all, most first time mom's go late rather than early. So when the possibility of having a premature baby came into reality two weeks ago, I was slightly very freaked out. Obviously about the health of the baby, but also because in my mind I still had a full+ month before the little girl was going to grace us with her presence and I wasn't ready. It was too soon!

We've made it two weeks since then, now we only have one more week and she'll be full-term! I will be able to breathe easier next Thursday. Even though I've progressed my midwife doesn't think I'll have a problem making it full-term, that gives me a great deal of comfort. Her prediction is week 38. So we'll see! For all we know maybe I still won't have a baby until February.

Thirteen days ago when we went to the hospital for our little scare I found out that the baby was 1/2 in. away from being engaged and my cervix was close to dilating, but nothing at that time. Five days later at my appointment I was about 1.5 cm dilated and nearly 25% effaced. We got the okay from my midwife and decided to travel to my parents for Christmas, which is two-hours away, we just knew I'd have to relax and take it easy. On Christmas Eve something felt different, I was having a lot of pressure and abdominal soreness/cramping, among some other symptoms. I was also getting a lot of braxton-hicks, nothing consistent though. On Christmas morning I made the mistake of doing a little reading online and totally freaked myself out. I read about all these things I was feeling and the results said it could be pre-term labor. I was very worried and couldn't relax, after all, I wasn't at home and the reality that my doctor was a couple hours away (not to mention the fact that we were experiencing the biggest snowstorm MN has seen in years,) was quite disturbing. But I knew I wasn't actually in labor and I had good enough reason to know that if you have signs of pre-term labor to drink a ton of water and lay down for awhile on my left side. After I relaxed and realized I wasn't going to have the baby that day things got a little better. I rationally tried to figure out the causes of my symptoms and to remember that several things were very quite normal to experience. I figured the baby must've dropped further, hence all the pressure and soreness. The only thing I could do was wait and take it easy.

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday, anxious to see what my progress was, but scared too because of the ever-possibility of a preemie. I learned that I definitely progressed. The baby did drop and is past the engagement point. I am dilated 3cm and my cervix is 50% effaced. Crazy! To me that seems like a lot of progress in a short amount of time, but I also know that every woman is different and progresses differently. Some woman aren't dilated to 3cm until they're in active labor, some women are at 3cm for 3 weeks before they go into labor. Same goes for effacement. So obviously it all just depends. As I mentioned, my midwife thinks I won't have an issue making it full-term, she thinks this is just my body's way of preparing, so we will see what the progress is in a week. One week goes by fast, and after that the little angel can come anytime she pleases. It's all very exciting :) and even though the probability of her coming before the due date is likely, I don't want to get my hopes set on going early because if I do that'll just make the days miserable as I approach my due date. And the new discomfort added from the baby being so low, among all the other pregnancy discomforts is miserable enough. So, my spirits are good and now that I'm home and so close to the 37-week-mark, I feel very relaxed, excited and peaceful. It'll happen when it happens!

Just what the doctor ordered

This last weekend took a turn for a change that we weren't expecting, but turned out to be just what I needed. Wednesday night we had a little scare and had to go to the hospital, which resulted in getting instructions by my midwife to "rest." I was suppose to be getting my nieces that evening as I was going to watch them for the weekend, but when I asked her about this she advised me it wasn't a good idea - so I had to cancel on my sister and brother-in-law. I felt bad, for their sake, but I also wanted to listen to my doctor. Andy and I were both bummed about not spending time with two of the most adorable little girls on the planet, we had thought of some fun things to do while they stayed with us and were looking forward to it. I even bought all the supplies needed to make sugar cookies to frost and sprinkle, knowing it would've made a mess but thinking the girls would have fun doing it. (Side note: I actually bought shortening. Odd as that may sound my husband understood me when I declared this. I don't ever have shortening in my house. I don't cook or bake with it, for some reason it just grosses me out. Call me a weirdo, it's okay.) Anyways. I obeyed my instructions from my midwife and took it easy... which is something I haven't done in a long time.

I literally feel like I have been go-go-go since we moved back to MN in August. I can't even remember the last time Andy and I had a weekend with nothing to do. And during the week there was always something to keep me busy. So it was kind of a challenge for me just to sit still for a few days, but it turned out to be great.

Lets make it clear that I wasn't ordered on bed rest - my midwife told me if she could write a prescription to watch a Christmas movie every morning and night, she would. I asked her if she could include not cooking supper in the same prescription. :) I was just instructed to take it really easy and rest.

So being that we didn't have plans anymore, Andy and I spent a very lovely weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was perfect. The first two days I took my "prescription" very literal since I'm typically one of those people that find it hard to not be doing something - and I don't want to be cause of having our baby prematurely. So I spent the time watching movies, reading and staying in my PJ's. By Friday night I needed some fresh air, so Andy took me to a movie...New Moon, and I think he'll admit that he actually liked it. After the movie we tried a Mexican restaurant in town, it was excellent. Saturday, we did entirely nothing...and it was quite wonderful, though, I didn't stay in my PJ's all day. :) Sunday, we took a quick trip to Target to get all the rest of our baby "essentials" that we still needed, like wipes, gas drops, pacifiers, bouncer, etc. It was fun to pick stuff out. We went home and decided that since I'd already bought all the ingredients for those cookies, we shouldn't let them go to waste! So the two of us rolled out the dough, cut out shapes, baked and then decorated them. By the end we were tired of it - lol - and decided it would've been much more enjoyable with kids.

But regardless it was all very relaxing, peaceful and enjoyable - just spending time together and taking it easy. A weekend of doing nothing of importance really... was actually quite wonderful.

Little visitors

This last weekend we had a couple of little visitors stay at our house. Our nephews, Brendyn and Tyvan. I believe it was the first time they'd ever spent the night without Mommy and Daddy in a strange new house, and they did so well! They were so excited to come over, Brendyn kept calling our spare bathroom and the bedroom he was sleeping in, "My room," and "My bathroom." He unpacked his suitcase in the empty dresser and used every drawer - one for a shirt, one for a sock, one for pants... it was very organized!

We took them outside to hang up a strand of lights on our deck, the boys were very excited to help Andy. We bundled them up in some big-people hats and gloves and tried to keep them warm. It was cold, and so when we came back inside we had hot cocoa to warm up. Brendyn kept calling it "hot tea." Tyvan wasn't sure how to drink from the cup at first, so I helped him. But after he got the hang of it he inhaled it. It was so cute, he hardly came up for a breath of air!

Time sure flies when there are kids around. The day goes by so fast and before we knew it, it was bedtime. (They did an awesome job going to bed and sleeping all night. I didn't hear a peep out of them.)

The kids left Sunday night and when I woke up Monday morning the house was oddly quiet. I kind of missed the pitter-patter of little feet and the constant jabber of little voices. Andy and I talked later that day about the kids being here, he felt like it was a taste of parenthood and I know it got him excited to be a dad. It's funny, when you watch kids and the reality of your own baby is facing you at the door only weeks away, you look at things a little differently. All in all I think we made a pretty good team and even though I'm scared to become a parent, I'm excited out of my mind!

Tree is up, lights are strung, music is playing...it's time!

Time for Christmas! I love Christmas. Have I mentioned that? Well I do. I love everything about Christmas.

We always get a tree right after Thanksgiving and decorate the house so we can enjoy it as long as possible! We pick out a real tree, listen to Christmas music while we decorate, and enjoy a glass of wine or hot cocoa after it's all done! (I had hot cocoa this year... in case you're wondering.)

I love that Christmas means snow. The big fluffy kind is the best. I remember one time specifically there wasn't snow on the ground at Christmas, I almost cried.

I don't think there is anything I don't like about Christmas... And this year is our last Christmas, or Holiday for that matter, alone as a couple! Last Christmas ever without kids. So we are taking extra time to enjoy everything and enjoy being just us.