As we wait to receive our court date our minds have been churning and processing all that has happened in these short four months. If all still goes smoothly we will receive our court date soon and travel back to Africa within a couple of weeks to legally adopt the children. We then have to wait for the US to process their end which takes roughly 1-3months, and then we can bring the kids home.
This whole adoption process is crazy on so many levels, it's really challenging to articulate exactly what our experience has been and where we're at. There's so many emotions, processes, paperwork and details to sort through...sometimes I feel like I'm a little crazy.
It is sort of like being pregnant and going through pregnancy and labor, but yet completely different all at the same time.
Emotions, logistics, money, details, hormones...it's all one big ball that keeps going around and around and we are right in the middle of it.
Sometimes it's so confusing to try to process through everything so we just hold on tight and dare to enjoy the ride we're on.
Adoption. It's exciting, scary, vulnerable, hard, exhausting, beautiful...it's so many things. When people say "Congratulations," or, "What you're doing is so great"...I don't know how to respond. If my response isn't much it's because I'm trying to keep up with all the things adoption is and all the things I'm learning through it. I want to say '"Thanks," or, "Yes, it is great and we are so excited!" and let myself embrace all the beauty in it...but it's also a lot of unknown and a lot of things to process--and all those things flood my head and often its hard for me to find words.
I don't have words for what it feels like to attach to children that I didn't birth, how I love them but I don't even know them. I don't know how to explain that they feel like they are part of me and our family, yet I've never met them.
I can't explain what it's like to have the lingering reality in the back of my mind that this whole thing could fall apart at any time...and how I have to choose not to let that frighten me from moving forward. How I have to choose to take a step of faith, every day, to let myself love, believe and hope. And on those days when the kids feel like strangers, and I feel like this is all too hard and too much for me handle...I have to let go of myself and choose those kids, and choose God and what his purpose is in all of this.
It's also difficult for me to express the process of mourning. Mourning the time we've already lost with the kids, and the time we are currently missing as they grow everyday waiting there, and we are waiting here. And what it looks like to mourn our current family dynamics and our biological children and how life for all us will change. Mourning the plans I thought our futures held, and mourning the comfort of our routine.
And I also cannot describe how full my heart is, and how incredibly excited I am. I have been moved to tears countless times thinking about our children and about bringing them home. And finding myself surprised at just how much I love them. I find myself surprised at how easy some parts have been. And I'm still awed at how quickly the doors have opened and how greatly God has provided for us and continues to do so. I can't describe the ways He's worked in my heart and the things He's already shown me and taught me through this.
And so when I doubt that I can mother six kids well, or doubt that we can help kids heal--and be what they need, when I doubt if funds will come in, if our house has enough room, or if this is all for good for every one of us...I let go of it all and I trust. I remind myself that when children are added to a family love doesn't get divided amongst them, but love grows. I remind myself of the work that has already been done and how it has all been so good. Over and over again I am met with an overwhelming peace and assurance. So I put my hope is in Him and not in myself. Not in my ability to welcome children into our family, but in His power, provision and strength. That He has and will continue to equip me, that He is always enough. That it's not about me. It's not about the kids either, it's about something greater.
So my mind may be full as I process through all of these emotions and feelings, but I let that go. My hands may be full as I process the reality of what it means to adopt three children from Africa, but I let that go too. Instead, I step, everyday and trust. I dare to hope and I believe. I let myself be excited because He is enough for me. And I rest in Him.
And because of that, my heart is so incredibly full.
If you'd like to support our adoption financially visit this link or contact us directly. Thank you for being a part of our story!
https://www.gofundme.com/wardadoption6
