A Positive Negative

I've wanted to share my story for awhile now, but I think the thing that was stopping me was fear. Fear of being judged, of not being understood and simply fear of being so personal. But the tug to put my experience into words keeps persisting, so I'm finally doing it. And if it helps even just one person than it'll be worth it to me. It's a little lengthy but I hope you read it. So, here it goes:

As I grew up all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Sure, there were other things I wanted to be too - I had aspirations to be a writer when I was very young. I would pull out my parents typewriter (this was, of course, before computers became an item that was found in any ordinary household) and I would touch the round keys and pretend to write something special. And there was also a phase in my teen years of wanting to be a musician, I was convinced I would be part of a successful band.

But through those phases and all the other hopes and dreams in-between, above all, I wanted to be a mom. I knew I'd be a mom.

I have spent almost my whole life around kids. Literally. I grew up with my cousins as my playmates, babysitting the younger ones. Starting at the age of 12 I volunteered my entire summers as a camp counselor. I eventually got paid, but continued doing it for five years. 85% of the jobs I have had have dealt with children in some sort of fashion. I loved kids. I still do. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. It was always #1 on the top of my list.

Did you grow up thinking that when a person got married - nine months later they had a baby? I did. I thought that's the way life worked, they went hand-in-hand. Of course, as I grew older I learned that there was more to it than that. But still with the knowledge of reality I never once thought I couldn't or wouldn't be able to have a child. It wasn't something I ever questioned.

Does anyone?

Infertility, I feel, isn't something that the common person thinks about before trying to conceive. Millions of babies are born in the U.S. every year, people get pregnant on accident without intentionally doing so... so why would I have a problem getting pregnant? I'm normal. He's normal. Why should something so common be a challenge, especially if it's intentional?

Literally a million things need to go right inside the body to conceive a child. There is a very small window each month that a woman can actually get pregnant. If you take all things into consideration and look at all the things that could go wrong, along with the limited chances women have to conceive, it is hard to deny that a fetus - a baby - is nothing short of a miracle. The whole process is rather amazing and I think the speciality of it gets lost in the commonality.

We, like most people, didn't think twice about getting pregnant, so when we decided to have a baby and found that we didn't get pregnant right away, we were baffled. I mean really, what's so hard about it? Why can high-school girls get pregnant by having sex one time- and a married couple that has decided to responsibly have a baby, can't? At first when we realized that it wasn't happening I was in pretty good spirits about it. I just kept hoping "next month." And when I heard family members and friends share news that they were pregnant I was ecstatic because I knew I was going to be next! Anytime now, I would be pregnant.

But I wasn't.

For some reason I measured the time we were trying to conceive by other people's pregnancies. I'm not sure if everyone who tries to conceives thinks like that, but I did, it was an unavoidable way to keep track of time. The first time two members of my family became pregnant I thought: "Surely in 9 months, by the time their babies are born, I'll be pregnant!" After all, 9 months is a long time when you're staring at it in the face, it always seemed like more than enough time for something to happen to me. But when my nephew and niece were born, my results were still negative. I was disappointed. This was still at the beginning of our struggle and I raised my head and told myself there could be a number of possible reasons why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. One simply being the fact that after stopping the use of birth control it can take a full year for it to completely leave the body. The other being that a year really is only 12 chances of conceiving (or less for those with irregular cycles,) so we simply could have not hit the open window. These facts gave me hope, for awhile.

But month after month, after month, passed by.

Then, the same two family member's announced they were pregnant, again. Since I seemed to be measuring my failure in other people's pregnancies, this was really hard for me to hear. Only because of the fact that in the amount of time it took for them to get pregnant, give birth, watch their kid grow some and get pregnant again - I couldn't get pregnant even once. It was a blow to my emotional state. It was a huge reality slap in the face. It's hard to describe exactly how a woman feels when she can't have a baby, and the emotions that she goes through. You won't really know unless you've been through it. It's a wide array of failure, confusion, anger, jealousy, self-pity, hopelessness... to name a few. It's an intense roller-coaster ride to feel hope at the possibility of another chance and another month - to having that hope stolen away from you and crash down around you when you get a negative result. Over and over and over. Up and down, back and forth. This specific announcement meant we had been trying for two years. It was an awful realization for us and left us me very frustrated.

At this point we hadn't taken any medical action why we weren't able to conceive, we had been playing the waiting game all along. We talked about our options. Andy was always the voice of reason and brought the situation back to rationality. We realized we were still young and didn't really know to what extent we wanted to take things if we did decide to do something. I, of course, wanted a baby slightly more than him, so there were times I felt like he didn't care or that it wasn't important to him. But he did care, in a way I couldn't understand at the time. If it wasn't for him keeping a level-head and reasoning, I would've been an utter basket-case.

We did do a couple of standard procedures and though results were normal it gave us little comfort. I did a ton of research about different ways to increase fertility and learned a ton about the way the body works (which is all very fascinating and good to know) but nothing helped us.

I'd hear news after news of other people getting pregnant. I'd see other pregnant women in the store. I would sit with a group of close friends and try to join in on conversation that I couldn't relate to because they all had kids and I didn't. It was extremely hard. I felt like every way I turned I was being reminded of the fact that I could possibly never have children. I felt like it was absolutely un-fair. Why me? Why us? Would we be bad parents? Would we ever be able to have kids and at what cost? Part of me felt like I deserved a baby. I just didn't understand why it wasn't happening...?

Anyone who has gone through this struggle has probably heard the phrase: "Just don't think about it and it'll happen." At first I accepted this phrase and even tried my skills at it, but I grew to hate it. In fact there were times I despised it. I would roll my eyes when people would say this, deep down I felt like they couldn't possibly understand, they had no clue. I tried so hard to achieve this phrase, but it was an impossible feat. I couldn't help but think about it, especially when you can't help but having mother nature remind you of it every month. I was around so many kids in my life that when I'd see them I couldn't stop hoping to someday hold my own little baby in my arms. The up and down was exhausting.

Obviously women are more emotional than men, but there were times when it was tough for Andy too. In these moments of us both being overwhelmingly frustrated was when we decided to take further medical action. Over the course of our "trying to conceive" we really only did minimal medical alternatives. Insurance typically doesn't cover infertility, and we didn't want to spend a lot of money doing things when we would've rather put that money towards adopting. But we did decide to try Clomid, which is a standard first step doctors use for infertility. For those of you that don't know what it is, its a drug you take to force your body to ovulate. (A lot of times infertility is an issue of ovulation. A lot of times woman don't ovulate and don't even know it.) It was never determined if my issue was ovulation or not, and because of insurance the doctor suggested trying Clomid first before determining that, as either way it won't do harm. We tried this twice (a good six+ months apart from each other) for three months at a time, and neither chunk of time worked. I took this drug in result of frustration and didn't do research beforehand. I know a lot of women that have had success on Clomid, but unless you know for certain that you have an issue with ovulation- I wouldn't recommend it. The doctors say it's perfectly safe regardless, and I'm sure this is true for the most part, but I wish I hadn't taken it, it's never a good idea to do something out of frustration. I didn't like the side effects while taking it nor was I aware of the side effects if I had gotten pregnant while on it. It thins your uterus, which increases the normal dangers of carrying a child and causes a higher risk of a miscarriage. And it highly rises your chances in having a cesarean. The drug also doesn't wear out of the body for several months after taking it, which if conceived while on it can result in the baby getting the effects of it. Please understand that I am not, in any means, against this drug. As mentioned, I know women that have gotten pregnant on it and they're babies are perfect and beautiful and may not have otherwise been able to have babies of their own. What I am saying is that I wish I personally hadn't taken it, because I did it for the wrong reasons and I didn't do research for something I was putting my own body through. I didn't even know what/if something was truly wrong with my ovulation in the first place. (Those store-bought-ovulation-pee-sticks aren't a very accurate way to determine unless you have a text-book cycle, which a lot of us don't.)

Of course I didn't feel this way until after the fact. So the negative results we got on the drug was, again, more than disappointing. We really didn't want to go much further medically, for our own personal reasons. So we waited. I distinctly remember the hardest point of my struggle. December came and I swore I was pregnant (like I had so many times before). I was getting the standard pregnancy side effects and my period was late (which wasn't uncommon) so I let myself start to think of how I would tell my family at Christmas. I took a test, but it came back negative, but there was still no period. This is the worst, and I can't even tell you how many times it happened to me. You get disappointed, but yet you get hopeful all at the same time because both realities are possible. Well, right before I left for Christmas vacation I got my period - Big. Huge. Bummer. Okay, whatever... I got over it, disappointment was becoming second nature to me. But then, over Christmas vacation my little sister announced she was pregnant with her first baby. Hearing this was the hardest point for me emotionally. It was suppose to be my turn, I was the one who was suppose to be pregnant, I was so close. It was also just yet another blow in the face to show me how long it really had been since we first started trying to get pregnant. And I have to admit I was jealous of the fact that she'd only been married a few months and I'd been married for over three years. How could some people get pregnant after only a few months and others couldn't get pregnant after a few years? It wasn't fair.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, with each baby announcement that brought my struggles to my face, I overcame. With each announcement I was sincerely happy for my sisters and my friends, it was just hard not to focus on my own selfish emotions. I wanted them to know that I was honestly happy for them, and the last thing I wanted was for them to feel bad about their joy. My struggle was my own struggle, and the longer I struggled the more I realized that. It was unfair of me to let anger rise inside of me for something no one had control over. Sure, their news sparked emotions in me, but that wasn't their fault. How I dealt with those emotions was my own responsibility and they had every right to be as happy as they pleased. My family is pretty close and my sisters have shared in this struggle with me. They know that my heart was never in anger about their pregnancies, and even though the initial announcement may have brought emotions front in myself, God helped me to rid myself of those emotions and be able to be 100% happy for my sisters and my friends and share in their joy. They sympathized with my unattainable desire and I am so thankful for their understanding. And I am also glad that they never kept from expressing the joy they felt in fear of hurting me, I would've felt awful, and did feel awful for the way I felt in the first place. I love them for being so understanding and sensitive and hopeful for me, and it brings me great joy to see them with their own kids. I am so thankful for God's help in helping me overcome those things that could have turned me into a bitter and cynical woman.

But even with that being said, the next year was probably the hardest for me. Not only was I struggling with not getting pregnant each month, but realizing things about myself that I didn't like. Things I was oblivious to. I needed to be humbled in several areas of my life. One being the knowledge I thought I had of children. A parent can never know everything they should and no matter how much you prepare you still won't be ready or know everything. I will make mistakes, that's a given. And it's important to learn from other people, not in a judging way, but to observe, to be open-minded and listen.

I also genuinely realized (even though I always knew) that a baby will never fulfill me. Even if I got what I wanted it wasn't going to satisfy me if that's what I was placing my happiness on. A baby is innocent and pure when they enter this world, and are made to be loved, nurtured and live a purpose. How dare I put expectations on an unborn child for my own selfish reasons, how can I expect that child to fulfill me? The baby isn't for me, to feel good, to feel complete, to feel loved. No. A baby is a blessing and a gift and I hope to raise my babies in love, to guide them, nurture them, and let them be who God intended them to be.

I also realized that I had all this time with my husband that some couples would kill for. I was given an opportunity to enjoy my husband, build our relationship and enjoy things being "just us" that some couples never get to experience. And I was using it worrying about getting pregnant.

These were all good things to realize, but hard to learn. And through those lessons we still wanted that baby.

We had given ourselves a deadline. April. It had been four years. We contemplated taking a medical turn that would cost a nice chunk of money that insurance wouldn't cover and we didn't know whether to carry on with it or not. We had mixed feelings. I distinctly remembering going to the state park and going our separate ways to think and pray about it and then we'd come back together and talk. When we came back together we both felt the same way and came up with the same answer. That answer was to wait, and not go to the appointment. We obeyed. I was disappointed about the decision, but strangely enough I felt very peaceful about it and I knew it was right.

The next few weeks were very freeing for me. I can't even explain how different I felt. I felt like a weight got lifted off my shoulders. I began to think about what else I wanted in life besides being a mom, it had consumed so much of me I hadn't even realized it. I felt happier and freer than I had in a very long time. I began writing, a flawed passion of mine. I really savored the time I had with my husband. I can honestly say that I was truly and utterly content with the way my life was, exactly like it was. I can honestly say that I got to the point (I don't know how, but I got there) where I genuinely didn't care if I had a baby right then or not. It was refreshing.

Several weeks later I noticed I was feeling sick, and it wasn't foreign to me that my period could be due soon. (Since I'd always been irregular this was always the guessing game.) I kept telling myself not to believe I was pregnant, I'd been through this same thing before and never got a positive test back. Plus I didn't want to slip back into that coma-like-emotional-ride after feeling so good about the situation. So, I waited. I eventually went against my better judgement and bought a pregnancy test. I didn't tell my husband. I took it Wednesday morning, laid it on the back of the toilet and walked away. I have taken a ton of pregnancy tests over four years and I have this thing about not looking at them as they develop. I'm one of those people that when it says to wait 3 minutes, I wait a full 3 minutes before I even peek at it. I think in the past I seriously expected that the longer it laid there the more of a chance it had to change its mind and give me the result I wanted. So instead of just standing there I brushed my teeth. I remember sitting on the couch reprimanding myself for taking the test, I was only setting myself up for disappointment. I knew what the answer was going to be before I even looked at it. When I walked into the bathroom and looked at the test and it had one very solid, bright red, horizontal line... a negative. My heart fell, even though I'd prepared myself for this answer. I'd known. I picked up the test and held it close and happened to catch a glimpse of a very very faint, but still present, vertical line that corresponding with the horizontal line. A plus sign! A positive, I was pregnant! I literally fell to my knees in shock and cried, and all I could say over and over again was, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I couldn't believe it. The proof was there. I knew that even a faint line meant it was real, after all I'd never gotten anything close to that before! But that still didn't stop me from taking another one, just to make sure. I was so excited to tell my husband and was bursting at the seems all day to tell him. I bought him a willow tree figurine of a father holding a baby and wrapped it. When he came home from work I gave him the present and he opened it. He wasn't only confused that I was giving him a present out of the blue but by what it was when he opened it, he actually said "I think you gave me the wrong gift." I, of course, was beaming, and told him he was going to be a daddy. His face was priceless. Pure joy! He had no idea and was just as excited as I was when I saw the test that morning. It was so special to me to see his reaction, I will never forget it. Celebrating that moment together was awesome.

It finally happened, after four years and when we least expected it. And as it turns out, if we had gone to that doctor's appointment we had felt so troubled about, we wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

If you have experienced infertility, whether it is one year or eight years, I know how you feel. I just want you to know that someone else understands. When you feel like no one can possible understand what your going through, it's not true. You're not alone. My advice to you is to try to relax. Remember that phrase I talked about earlier? The one that I rolled my eyes at and despised? I'm proof that it really is true, if you can get to the point of genuinely letting go. I truly believe that a woman's thoughts and emotions can seriously alter conceiving a child. Thoughts can cause stress, whether you're aware of it or not, and stress can play a serious role in the process of conceiving. A woman's body has a natural self-protection mechanism, if her body feels like it can't handle a pregnancy safely it won't ovulate. Or if it does still ovulate and the "atmosphere" is still stressful it's self-protection mechanism won't implant a fertilized egg. You could be hitting the right times of the months, you and your partner could be 100% healthy and have no issues and still have a negative result. Remember when I said that a million things need to go right to conceive a child? I wasn't joking. We ultimately have no control over it anyway, so worrying about it really only does harm. I've done a ton of research, and from my own experience and several other woman's testimonies I've found this to be a common problem. When these women, and myself, finally let it go after years of struggling, found themselves pregnant - even after doctor's told some that it wasn't possible. I even know women that have tried nearly everything medically possible and nothing worked. They gave up, and when they let it go - mentally, physically and emotionally - they got pregnant. So when someone says "Don't think about it," don't just try to consciously not think about it, really feel it, and experience that freedom.

Everyone's situation is different. I didn't struggle as long as some, and some don't struggle as long as I did and each story is different. For some, medical intervention is necessary and for others its not. Everyone has their own beliefs and way they do things, so just look inside yourself and decide things based on what you believe and your situation. Do your research, don't make decisions out of frustration and decide things together as a couple. Sometimes your partner has a more rational perspective than you.

For anyone that hasn't tried getting pregnant yet or is just starting, don't even think twice about it if you don't get pregnant right away. Seriously. Even though a month seems like a long time, it's only one try. Four months is only four tries (or less for some with longer cycles) so don't get discouraged. To be honest I wouldn't even question anything until it's been a year (I know that seems like a long time, but all things considered with the way the body works and the influence our everyday life affects it, a year really isn't that long.) Just don't think about it and have fun and it will probably happen!

Now here I am, days away from giving birth to our child, and I still find it hard to believe that we're actually having a baby. When I look back at our situation in this new perspective I am actually thankful for it. We've had five years of marriage to enjoy alone and do whatever we please, once the baby is here there is no turning back to that life. We were able to build a stronger foundation together as a couple, we learned things that will hopefully make us better parents. In fact, I can't really imagine what life would be like if we had had a child when we first wanted one. I guess we don't always know what best for ourselves. Going through the struggle ended up being a positive thing. Even though it was negative to experience it at the time, it ended up being a good thing and has made us both appreciate the life of the baby growing inside of me that much more.