When I said yes, I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't know what to except...but I certainly didn't expect for my heart to be turned upside down so quickly. I didn't expect to make big decisions from the beginning and I certainly didn't expect that I would have to be decide to say yes repeatedly. It's never been more apparent to me that saying yes is entirely different than taking action on a yes. I knew what yes meant, but I didn't really know.
A simple yes can hold so much weight that it's scary. And with a simple yes big decisions are made. I am beginning to feel the winds of change stir in and all around me...and I can either choose to try and hold on tightly and keep myself fixated where I'm at...or I can let the wind carry me wherever it pleases.
See, I liked where I was. I felt comfortable in that spot. It was an easy spot. A spot that was clear...so it really should not be a surprise to me that the wind picked up.
It shouldn't surprise me that in that spot I had the most clarity--in that spot I said yes certainly. Because in that spot--the calm before the storm...or perhaps, the calm after a storm--you can see a little bit of the bigger picture...and you can say yes, and mean yes with assurance. Because when the wind picks up things get cloudy...and sometimes reflecting on that spot where yes was certainty is the only thing that keeps you moving forward...amongst doubt, confusion, fear--that first yes was the start and that was right...so this is right...and you trust in that first yes, even when it doesn't make sense.
We first said yes to adoption in February. There was once a tug on our hearts to adopt a long time ago, and we felt that tug again at the beginning of the year. I will never forget the clarity Andy and I both had that moment we looked at each other...and almost as if we were sharing the news of a baby conceived...we knew with certainty what we were suppose to do.
So we said yes.
Yes to the unknown, yes to a journey we had no clue where it would take us. Yes to a journey which would take intricate detail. Yes to a journey which could lead to a dead end.
And, yes to a journey which could lead to a legacy.
But with a yes you need action...or its empty. And I struggled with being stuck at that start. Desiring to prepare for the journey ahead but knowing I didn't know how. Trying to chart a course but not knowing the coordinates. Sometimes preparation is necessary--but sometimes spontaneity is required. Sometimes the necessary thing isn't planning...but instead, just going. Trusting and stepping forward. It's my nature to be organized and plan...I like order, I like to know what's going to happen or have a good idea what to expect...so I really shouldn't be surprised that this journey is a journey that requires me to let go of all of that. That I can't move forward without letting go of what's holding me back.
So I said yes, again, I will keep saying yes until the door is shut or the finish is crossed.
And this, right here, is saying yes. Sharing. Because I realized that part of my silence was the tight grasp I had on my nature of preparation and that sharing meant for me to let go. And so I trust. Now. I step. I share.
It's funny. We mailed off our application today to officially start the process and here I am able to finally write these words. I had a post I started a week ago...and another one a couple weeks before that, all are left unfinished. Writers block. Abandoned with confusion and loss.
Yet, today I said yes again. I acted. I moved forward...and I wrote.
Funny how that works.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
A Big Deal
"I can't do it!!!"
A phrase I'm sure you've heard if you have kids. Even if you don't have kids and have babysat once or twice...you've probably heard it too.
It's a whining phrase I hear a lot from my daughter, and if I'm honest I've somehow managed to become insensitive to it. It's has become more taxing to my ears and a source of annoyance rather than an opportunity to understand, teach and show love to my child.
My daughter wants to do the monkey bars on our playground outside...SO badly, but she gets frustrated instantly when she can't do it. She is a smart and determined little girl, but she pretty much thinks things should just come easily and instantly because she wants it.
Sound familiar?
She has been practicing and practicing and gets so excited when she makes it across with little help--but when she comes crashing down it is the end of the world. Well, to her.
It is quite the emotional reaction...let me tell you. You would definitely think the world was ending if you witnessed it.
I have a difficult time having patience with such drama. The intense emotional overreaction. It's because I've put a block up every time that phrase comes up: "I can't do it!!!" See, it's plain to me because I see the big picture--that she has to keep doing it over and over again to build muscle, get the coordination and gain confidence. I know she CAN do it...she just has to stop fussing about it and keep trying. But to her--when she falls, she believes she won't ever be able to. Making it across alone seems entirely unattainable--and that's all she sees.
This is just the monkey bars. To me it's simple, but to her this isn't just some silly little play structure--it's something she desires, yearns for, it's a big mountain for her to climb in her little life. It's not just the monkey bars to her, it's a big deal.
As I was trying to help my daughter conquer the monkey bars and she fell and let out a gigantic whine...again. I wanted to heave a huge sigh and scold her for her intense reaction. Sometimes hearing those noises that escape from a frustrated child can grate on your nerves...and they were definitely grating mine. But thankfully in that instant God convicted me of my heart.
I saw myself in her reaction. I've been there...I've done that...maybe not about monkey bars, but about other mountains I've had to climb in my life. See, monkey bars are a big deal to a five year old who only knows a small part of life. I only know a small part of life too--when I really think about it, so my mountains--even if they really aren't that big, are a big deal to me too. So when my daughter burst out irrationally because she was consumed with the feeling of failure and frustration--I recognized myself. How many times have I thrown an adult-temper-tantrum because I couldn't do something? How many times have I whined because I couldn't have something I wanted? How many times have I believe life just isn't fair as I've watched other people swing from wrung to wrung and I can't make it past the first one? How many times have I blamed everyone else for not helping me when I am not even helping myself?
In that instant I saw how God is towards me...and how I should be towards my child and her irrationality. Thankfully the dreadful parent-sigh didn't escaped my lips and the desire to let it out vanished, instead I was filled with understanding for my daughter's outcry and had compassion for how intensely she felt. I bent down and gathered her in my arms and let her cry.
"It's hard, isn't it, honey?"
She nodded with another cry and sank into my arms.
"It's so frustrating to slip when you're trying so hard..."
She nodded again--her whining stopping.
I looked her in the eye. "You CAN do it, honey. Sometimes you will fall and that's okay. That's part of learning how to do it."
She looked at me with wide-eyes and sniffled away her tears. I understood her and believed in her, and she knew that, and that's all she needed. It's amazing how a heart can feel so greatly with such little words.
The thing is...my daughter knows how to do the monkey bars. She physically can do it. She has the strength, the coordination...I barely have to touch her to in order for her to make it across to the other side. But my sweet, cautious, girl doesn't quite have the confidence to do it alone. That is still a characteristic that is being built as she practices and falls, over and over again. She doesn't understand that's what's happening--that she is being refined to be more confident in her ability...she just knows she wants to be able to do it. But I understand, I can see the big picture. And as her mother I can choose to empower her, treat her intense feelings with respect, and lovingly guide her steps as she struggles to climb this mountain in her life.
Or I can stand there and sigh because I'm overwhelmed with my own feelings, and scold her for her for her reaction--which isn't only opening up the door for shame to invade her heart but to crush it, and destroy the confidence that she is working so hard to achieve.
Whether she knows that is what's going on or not.
So maybe it is just the monkey bars, but it IS a big deal. It's a big mountain.
A phrase I'm sure you've heard if you have kids. Even if you don't have kids and have babysat once or twice...you've probably heard it too.
It's a whining phrase I hear a lot from my daughter, and if I'm honest I've somehow managed to become insensitive to it. It's has become more taxing to my ears and a source of annoyance rather than an opportunity to understand, teach and show love to my child.
My daughter wants to do the monkey bars on our playground outside...SO badly, but she gets frustrated instantly when she can't do it. She is a smart and determined little girl, but she pretty much thinks things should just come easily and instantly because she wants it.
Sound familiar?
She has been practicing and practicing and gets so excited when she makes it across with little help--but when she comes crashing down it is the end of the world. Well, to her.
It is quite the emotional reaction...let me tell you. You would definitely think the world was ending if you witnessed it.
I have a difficult time having patience with such drama. The intense emotional overreaction. It's because I've put a block up every time that phrase comes up: "I can't do it!!!" See, it's plain to me because I see the big picture--that she has to keep doing it over and over again to build muscle, get the coordination and gain confidence. I know she CAN do it...she just has to stop fussing about it and keep trying. But to her--when she falls, she believes she won't ever be able to. Making it across alone seems entirely unattainable--and that's all she sees.
This is just the monkey bars. To me it's simple, but to her this isn't just some silly little play structure--it's something she desires, yearns for, it's a big mountain for her to climb in her little life. It's not just the monkey bars to her, it's a big deal.
As I was trying to help my daughter conquer the monkey bars and she fell and let out a gigantic whine...again. I wanted to heave a huge sigh and scold her for her intense reaction. Sometimes hearing those noises that escape from a frustrated child can grate on your nerves...and they were definitely grating mine. But thankfully in that instant God convicted me of my heart.
I saw myself in her reaction. I've been there...I've done that...maybe not about monkey bars, but about other mountains I've had to climb in my life. See, monkey bars are a big deal to a five year old who only knows a small part of life. I only know a small part of life too--when I really think about it, so my mountains--even if they really aren't that big, are a big deal to me too. So when my daughter burst out irrationally because she was consumed with the feeling of failure and frustration--I recognized myself. How many times have I thrown an adult-temper-tantrum because I couldn't do something? How many times have I whined because I couldn't have something I wanted? How many times have I believe life just isn't fair as I've watched other people swing from wrung to wrung and I can't make it past the first one? How many times have I blamed everyone else for not helping me when I am not even helping myself?
In that instant I saw how God is towards me...and how I should be towards my child and her irrationality. Thankfully the dreadful parent-sigh didn't escaped my lips and the desire to let it out vanished, instead I was filled with understanding for my daughter's outcry and had compassion for how intensely she felt. I bent down and gathered her in my arms and let her cry.
"It's hard, isn't it, honey?"
She nodded with another cry and sank into my arms.
"It's so frustrating to slip when you're trying so hard..."
She nodded again--her whining stopping.
I looked her in the eye. "You CAN do it, honey. Sometimes you will fall and that's okay. That's part of learning how to do it."
She looked at me with wide-eyes and sniffled away her tears. I understood her and believed in her, and she knew that, and that's all she needed. It's amazing how a heart can feel so greatly with such little words.
The thing is...my daughter knows how to do the monkey bars. She physically can do it. She has the strength, the coordination...I barely have to touch her to in order for her to make it across to the other side. But my sweet, cautious, girl doesn't quite have the confidence to do it alone. That is still a characteristic that is being built as she practices and falls, over and over again. She doesn't understand that's what's happening--that she is being refined to be more confident in her ability...she just knows she wants to be able to do it. But I understand, I can see the big picture. And as her mother I can choose to empower her, treat her intense feelings with respect, and lovingly guide her steps as she struggles to climb this mountain in her life.
Or I can stand there and sigh because I'm overwhelmed with my own feelings, and scold her for her for her reaction--which isn't only opening up the door for shame to invade her heart but to crush it, and destroy the confidence that she is working so hard to achieve.
Whether she knows that is what's going on or not.
So maybe it is just the monkey bars, but it IS a big deal. It's a big mountain.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
A Little Lady Turns 5!
It's hard to believe this little girl is five already!
Wow. How did that happen so fast? It feels like just yesterday we met her for the first time:
I can hardly stand how quickly she is growing up, but it's so fun to see her unfold into a beautiful little lady.
She is energetic, thoughtful, compassionate, imaginative, cautious yet bold,
creative, expressive, delicate, full of joy and very girly.
Her ability to reason and express herself amazes me. She constantly says things that surprise me and understands so much. It has been interesting to see her personality of order and attention to details come alive...she cleans her room on a regular basis without being told, she carefully selects her outfits each day and folds her clothes to put away if they are still clean, she likes to line up her shoes, organize her books and straighten her belongings...just because she wants to. She shows such care and connects with her surroundings and she is silly and playful all at the same time. The way she carries herself, interacting with other people and while at home, makes me smile constantly--she truly has the essence of a true girl.
Except when she eats birthday cake...
She absolutely, most definitely, loves loves loves her baby doll. Currently named "Della." (It was Samantha for a very long time.) Della goes with her everywhere...all day. She loves to care for her, dress her and plays with her whatever she is doing.
Vienna is also quite the Daddy's girl. There is no one greater in her life than her daddy.
Vienna wanted to have a horse-themed birthday with decorations of light pink and white.
She requested to go ice-skating for her birthday, and have her cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents over for cake and ice cream.
Her cake choice was chocolate, with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, and chocolate ice cream.
And she wanted a big birthday hat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET GIRL!!!
We ask a list of questions every year on the kids' birthdays to see how the list changes from year to year, some of her answers are the same as last years!
Vienna's Favorites:
COLOR: light pink
FOOD: eggs & toast
FRUIT: grapefruit
TOY: "Della" my doll
THING TO DO: Play with Finley
MOVIE: Nanny McPhee 2
GAME: Dominoes
SONG: "the ones I make up"
BOOK: princess storybook (Mary Engelbreit's Fairy Tales)
THING TO WEAR: Dresses
ANIMAL: Penguins...actually, ALL the animals
DRINK: Juice
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?: A Mommy
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Hello again
I think I feel strange writing this because so much time has passed--I'm slightly embarrassed by that fact. It's been far, far, far too long...
There's a part of me that is a bit terrified to put myself out there and let people into my thoughts and life. And I think that's what's stopped me from writing this first post sooner.
I have had the desire to blog again for awhile, but I simply couldn't part with all my old posts--however badly written they may be, or however sad some of them may sound. But that is past, and that's part of what has brought me to today, so I can't part with them. I'm a different person than I was a couple years ago and I will be a different person in a couple years from now...and I want to be intentional now about sharing life with others...and for me, blogging is a way for me to do that.
I am quite a thinker and a feeler, and I express myself best through writing. The things I say always sound better in my head and I often feel like most of the things that come out of my mouth don't make much sense--even though it makes perfect sense in my head. Hah. :) So for me to really reflect involves writing, and that's part of why I want to start blogging again.
So I've updated the look of my page, changed the name--hopefully more features will come with time, but I will put this on here officially so you can yell at me when I start to slack: My goal is to post once a week to start, and eventually start posting twice a week on a regular basis.
Though, I have one thing to say to my readers...
I love comments. Love, love, LOVE them.
They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My primary love language is words of affirmation--so literally they make me feel loved. ;)
I have recently re-read through several of my old posts and one of my favorite parts of doing that was reading the comments that were left! I know a lot of folks comment on Facebook, which is great too but if you remember--try to comment on my blog post. That way they are saved and I can re-read them in two years when I do this again ,and I'll feel all warm, fuzzy and loved all over again. :)
Thanks for all the encouragement I've received to start doing this again--and thanks in advance to you all that will read! I'm looking forward to it!
There's a part of me that is a bit terrified to put myself out there and let people into my thoughts and life. And I think that's what's stopped me from writing this first post sooner.
I have had the desire to blog again for awhile, but I simply couldn't part with all my old posts--however badly written they may be, or however sad some of them may sound. But that is past, and that's part of what has brought me to today, so I can't part with them. I'm a different person than I was a couple years ago and I will be a different person in a couple years from now...and I want to be intentional now about sharing life with others...and for me, blogging is a way for me to do that.
I am quite a thinker and a feeler, and I express myself best through writing. The things I say always sound better in my head and I often feel like most of the things that come out of my mouth don't make much sense--even though it makes perfect sense in my head. Hah. :) So for me to really reflect involves writing, and that's part of why I want to start blogging again.
So I've updated the look of my page, changed the name--hopefully more features will come with time, but I will put this on here officially so you can yell at me when I start to slack: My goal is to post once a week to start, and eventually start posting twice a week on a regular basis.
Though, I have one thing to say to my readers...
I love comments. Love, love, LOVE them.
They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My primary love language is words of affirmation--so literally they make me feel loved. ;)
I have recently re-read through several of my old posts and one of my favorite parts of doing that was reading the comments that were left! I know a lot of folks comment on Facebook, which is great too but if you remember--try to comment on my blog post. That way they are saved and I can re-read them in two years when I do this again ,and I'll feel all warm, fuzzy and loved all over again. :)
Thanks for all the encouragement I've received to start doing this again--and thanks in advance to you all that will read! I'm looking forward to it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)