When I said yes, I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't know what to except...but I certainly didn't expect for my heart to be turned upside down so quickly. I didn't expect to make big decisions from the beginning and I certainly didn't expect that I would have to be decide to say yes repeatedly. It's never been more apparent to me that saying yes is entirely different than taking action on a yes. I knew what yes meant, but I didn't really know.
A simple yes can hold so much weight that it's scary. And with a simple yes big decisions are made. I am beginning to feel the winds of change stir in and all around me...and I can either choose to try and hold on tightly and keep myself fixated where I'm at...or I can let the wind carry me wherever it pleases.
See, I liked where I was. I felt comfortable in that spot. It was an easy spot. A spot that was clear...so it really should not be a surprise to me that the wind picked up.
It shouldn't surprise me that in that spot I had the most clarity--in that spot I said yes certainly. Because in that spot--the calm before the storm...or perhaps, the calm after a storm--you can see a little bit of the bigger picture...and you can say yes, and mean yes with assurance. Because when the wind picks up things get cloudy...and sometimes reflecting on that spot where yes was certainty is the only thing that keeps you moving forward...amongst doubt, confusion, fear--that first yes was the start and that was right...so this is right...and you trust in that first yes, even when it doesn't make sense.
We first said yes to adoption in February. There was once a tug on our hearts to adopt a long time ago, and we felt that tug again at the beginning of the year. I will never forget the clarity Andy and I both had that moment we looked at each other...and almost as if we were sharing the news of a baby conceived...we knew with certainty what we were suppose to do.
So we said yes.
Yes to the unknown, yes to a journey we had no clue where it would take us. Yes to a journey which would take intricate detail. Yes to a journey which could lead to a dead end.
And, yes to a journey which could lead to a legacy.
But with a yes you need action...or its empty. And I struggled with being stuck at that start. Desiring to prepare for the journey ahead but knowing I didn't know how. Trying to chart a course but not knowing the coordinates. Sometimes preparation is necessary--but sometimes spontaneity is required. Sometimes the necessary thing isn't planning...but instead, just going. Trusting and stepping forward. It's my nature to be organized and plan...I like order, I like to know what's going to happen or have a good idea what to expect...so I really shouldn't be surprised that this journey is a journey that requires me to let go of all of that. That I can't move forward without letting go of what's holding me back.
So I said yes, again, I will keep saying yes until the door is shut or the finish is crossed.
And this, right here, is saying yes. Sharing. Because I realized that part of my silence was the tight grasp I had on my nature of preparation and that sharing meant for me to let go. And so I trust. Now. I step. I share.
It's funny. We mailed off our application today to officially start the process and here I am able to finally write these words. I had a post I started a week ago...and another one a couple weeks before that, all are left unfinished. Writers block. Abandoned with confusion and loss.
Yet, today I said yes again. I acted. I moved forward...and I wrote.
Funny how that works.
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