This week has been a stressful week in terms of sleep. Vienna has been a bear about nap times and waking up during the night. I'm not entirely sure if this is a result from being away from home for several days last week, or if it's just a new phase... but its tiring. It's got me thinking about the method of "letting your kid cry themselves to sleep," also known as the "ferber" method. I am undecided. I don't like the idea of letting my baby cry herself to sleep, but do I just feel that way because I'm a first time mom? Is it a healthy method? Or is there other ways? I know it's effective... so that is promising, but at what cost? I'm confused...
The other day I felt like I rocked Vienna the entire day. It would be one thing if she was happy when she doesn't get her naps in, or even being content sitting on my hip - but she's not, nothing makes her happy and I know sleep is the only cure. Anyways, it was a long day and I thought surely she was going to just pass out at her bedtime feeding. But, nope. Wide awake. Her bedtime is typically around 7pm, it was 11pm and I'd tried everything. I was laying in bed, rocking her in her bassinet - irritated. She was doing this thing that she'd fall asleep, and I thought...yes, success! And then fifteen minutes later (if that), she would wake up! Finally, I'd had enough, and I thought to myself..."Fine, I'm just going to hold her..." (We've slept many nights like this...me, cradling her in my arms while we lay down sleeping. I'm sure it's super comfy for Vienna, for mommy...not so much. But at least we both get some rest.) I picked her up, laid back down, snuggled her close and kissed her forehead over and over. She instantly stopped fussing, breathed a deep breath like she was sighing, and was still, as if to say, "That's all I wanted, Momma." I lay there for at least five minutes feeling guilty and thinking about how much I loved her and that I would hold her like that forever if that's what it took. I thought she was fast asleep, she wasn't moving a muscle or making a peep. I opened my eyes to steel a glance at her and was startled to find her wide-eyed, staring at me with the sweetest little eyes I've ever seen. I wondered how long she'd been looking at me...what was she thinking, I wonder? I can't even explain how much love I felt for her at that moment. And then, it didn't take long for both of us to fall asleep...
At times like that I can't bear the thought of letting herself scream herself to sleep. All she wanted was for me to hold her. I had to check my attitude, and give up my selfishness for what I wanted in that moment. And I find that I have to do that a lot, being a mom can wear you thin and for everything you're worth...but I find that when I check myself, my attitude, and take a step back - and then re-approach the situation at hand, things tend to work themselves out and everyone is much happier.
So, with that being said, am I contemplating letting her cry herself to sleep out of my own selfishness? Or, because that's what every parent needs to do at some point? Or, because it's what's best for her? I have no idea. I don't know what's the best way. So I guess I'm asking all you other mom's...what did you do? Did you have a baby that had to be rocked to sleep endlessly, how did you break that habit? And at what age? I don't intend to do anything as of yet, I feel like she's still a little young, but then really...what is a good age? If we did eventually decide to do the "ferber" method, I'm not entirely sure I can handle it...and I know Andy will be worse off than me, I'd have to put a lock on the door for him not to go in there. So I think deep down I really want to know of some better options... ?
6 comments:
Hmmmm...deep questions--for real. I have no answers...though I do know that Abigail is 10+ months and still nursing 1-3 times per night. :-) Here are just some random thoughts...its definitely difficult to know the best method--I don't think there is one.
~For both Abe and Abbey, we set a plan that was flexible and stuck flexibly to the plan.
~God will give grace for each stage and each situation when we call on Him for wisdom.
~Having the goal of teaching your child to learn to fall asleep on their own can set them up for a lifetime of good sleep.
~Babies who learn to fall asleep on their own won't have to be taught when they are mobile and verbal.
~Getting your child used to sleeping in their own space can help with the falling asleep part and doesn't have to involve hours of crying.
Hopefully I didn't just create more questions than provide encouragement and answers. :-)
I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old and a 2 week old. I have done it the cry to sleep from a few weeks old with my first born and the rock to sleep for months with my second born and I plan to do something in between with my new baby. But there are other things that help too, like swaddling and baths before bed. Also with my second born I did not just let him cry it out. I bathed and swaddled him and I picked him up every 5 minutes then 10 min. then 15 min. as he got older. I also stood over him and patted him with out picking him up. The way I see it, it's not this way or that way it's something you make up as you go based on what you know about your baby and even what kind of day they had. That is what I think anyway. - Amy
I agree a little bit with Amy. We tried just letting Tryn cry it out and it just did not work. However, when she started self soothing she could instantly put herself to sleep during the day and as soon as I stopped nursing her she started sleeping through the night...I think she was "special case" for both.
Berlin...Well, Berlin is just special. We tried letting her cry it out too, going in every 10 minutes to reassure her and such. Didn't work.
My best advice and the tips that worked with EVERY OTHER kid I ever watched but my own? Read the book, "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer". Genius stuff and some really good tips. Seriously.
Obviously I'm still pretty new at this but I recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". The pediatricians I work with highly recommend it as do several friends whose babies sleep through the night. And Samuel has been sleeping through the night since about 7 weeks (sleeping through the night being waking up for 1 feeding after going down around 7). Routine has been the best thing for us.
I know how you feel! It was really hard for me to transition from nursing them to sleep to self soothing. I, too, felt like crying every time the baby woke up as I was laying them down. It's so frustrating.
I think the thing that helped the most with all four was having a schedule we stuck to and a bedtime routine. I'm sure you already do those things. I would bathe them, and nurse them, and sing to them. Then, when they were really relaxed I would say goodnight and lay them down. Starting that method was always the hardest, but usually after three days we were in the swing of things.
Just keep in mind, every baby has bad days (or weeks) just like we moms do. And there is no such thing as sleeping through the night forever... I still occasionally have to wake up for my 7 and 9 year olds, not to mention the 5 and 2.
You're a great mom.
We've always alternated between the "self soothing" and the rocking. We prefer to rock because honestly, how long is it going to be until Ezra looks at us and says "Mom...I'll just go to bed tonight...and only kiss me on my forehead." (Gosh, that makes me cry just thinking about it!) But I know there are times when suddenly you realize you are spending an hour or more rocking this kid every night and your spouse is falling asleep in the other room watching TV while they are waiting to hang out with you. SO whenever we'd feel like the rocking just was getting out of hand, we'd switch to a revised ferber method. In the method we used we would do the normal bedtime routine and then put him to bed and leave the room. If he cried, we'd let him cry for 1 minute, and then go back in and comfort him and calm him (until he was totally calm) without picking him up if possible. Then we'd say "goodnight" and leave the room again. The second time you let them cry for 2 minutes...go back in and calm them, say goodnight...then three minutes...go back in...four minutes...back in...five minutes...back in. For the first two or three nights you only let them cry it out for up to five minutes, and then you do the 'normal' sleep routine. On the third or fourth night (totally is your call) you start working them up to ten minutes of self-soothing time. Then you do up to ten minutes for a few nights...and then put them to sleep the "normal" way. And then I think you can start where they do the ten minutes, and then you can allow them the ten minute period up to three times. We never had to do the ten minute more than once or twice though. But some little ones are more stubborn when it comes to self-soothing. Then we'd do this until for some reason months down the road, we realized we were rocking him to sleep again and it was taking FOREVER for sleep to come. I don't know...I liked this method because I knew that I was right there ready to comfort him, and it also was easy for me to set a watch or timer and make myself wait for that beep before I caved in. Most of the time he caught on within a few days, so it wasn't too traumatic for us.
Anyways! Be encouraged! You are an awesome and capable mama, and I think you probably already know in your heart what Vienna needs. Just block out the voices that say "this is the right way" and go with what your instincts are saying :) Love you and am hoping you can get some GREAT rest very very soon...
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