2013.

It's the last day of 2013, and honestly, I'm kind of relieved. I've never really felt this way before about closing out a year, but I am pretty happy to put this year behind me and move into another. Not that there hasn't been a lot of great memories, there has, but 2013 was probably the most challenging year for me personally as an adult. Between moving twice, health issues, emotional, mental, and physically changes and the hardships of parenting and marriage--it's been a long and trying year.

Though, with that said, I wouldn't change it. Without this past year I wouldn't be where I am today and here I sit finding rest in love. Without the trials I would never moved forward and learn what it means to love, find rest, be joyful, content and thankful. 2013 was a refining year for me, and though it's always hard to make changes it's always a good process and I have learned so much about life and love that I wouldn't trade it for an uneventful year. :)

For me, the year closes with a new move and settlement in a new house. But one thing I now know; home is not about where I live or what house I live in. :)

At the beginning of 2013 I wanted to slow-down…and looking back I think throughout the year I have been learning that very thing. I am thankful for that, despite that the year certainly didn't feel that way.

I am excited to open the doors to 2014. I don't normal set any resolutions, however I do think I want to step into this new year with the intent of living more simply, purposefully and with love.

One day at a time. Being present. Loving. And finding joy in all things. 

Happy New Year to you! :)

A Little Moment.

As my daughter grows older and changes constantly before my eyes I am often reminded of the fact that her character is blossoming and being defined with each passing moment. Amidst the emotional meltdowns, chaotic days, and the "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom's" that make me want to pull my hair out. It's easy to overlook our child's chatter...especially when they talk all day long and especially when you're in the middle of doing something you need/want to do.

My girl was hanging around me today while I was doing some painting in our new bedroom, chatting away and asking lots of questions, like usual. Honestly, sometimes moments like these wear me out...the sound of constant talking while chasing around the 1.5-yr-old turkey while trying to finish what I'm doing and pay attention to "Mom, look at this! Mom, look at me! Mom, what is this? Mom, can you do this? Mom, mom, mom..."

But this time it was just me and her. And it was nice. And it made me realize that this little heart is being influenced by my actions day in and day out. I really should listen more.

Otherwise I'd miss conversations like this:


V: "Why does God live in my heart?"

Me: "Because he loves you so very very much."

V (entirely sincere): "Aww. That's so sweet."

Pause.

Then...really quietly...

V: "Mom?"

Me: "What, babe?"

V: "Why am I beautiful?"

This is when I stopped and realized that we were in the middle of a moment that was impacting my daughter's heart on a great level. I put down my paintbrush, bent down and looked her in the eye: "You are beautiful because of who you are.. You are caring, you are loving, you are nice and thoughtful, you are smart and funny, you are sweet...all of those things make you beautiful."

And I saw something amazing happen. I saw her little heart shine as she accepted my answer and soaked in its truth.

Yes, baby girl. Accept that beauty. Embrace it. And shine.

Always.

Babies.

Both of my children have been obsessed with playing with their babies lately.

I am rather surprised at how much Finley likes the babies--I can't remember Vienna being quite as into dolls as young as he is.

Some parents might discourage their boys from playing with dolls. We don't. After all, in reality it isn't just girls that have babies…boys do too. And, I think it's a great way to see and encourage the caring, protective and loving characteristics of my son. He shows his adventurous, strong and daring spirit in plenty--so it's heart melting to see his compassionate side right alongside.

He really is a sweet boy. :)

He rocks and kisses his baby. Pushes it in the stroller and even puts it to sleep. It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Oh how my heart melts for this strong, caring, little boy.

Intentional life.

I heard our girl cry out for me, I glanced at the clock and unintentionally sighed. 3pm. Nap time was over.

I entered her room and sat at the side of the bed as she pouted and whined, and threw herself back against the pillow.

"Where's Daddy?" she asked, her lip quivering.

Daddy had been the one to put her down for her nap.

"He had to leave..." I said.

Then it happened. With a broken hearted cry, she said, "I just really want him!"

Then she sobbed.

And sobbed.

Her poor little heart cried out. And I knew. This wasn't about Daddy, this was about more. She'd been crying this cry for awhile and unintentionally I hadn't truly listened.

Somewhere along the way, amongst the questions, tantrums, pushing limits and busy days...our hearts withdrew from each other. I didn't think it was possible, but--in fact, it happened frighteningly easily. The busies of the days had stolen my focus. The cries of my children had tired my emotions. The slumber of the nights had teased my drowsy eyes. That was yesterday...and the day before, and the day before that...

Sometimes as a parent you live days that just get you by. Unintentionally it becomes the norm, and you find yourself living each day that way. Dreading, sighing, cringing and tired for what was to come.

The simple truth...
Everything is fighting to steal our intentions. Blindness is a sneakily haze that is always drifting by.

And I have let it settle. I have given it ground. My focus is blurry and my fight is weak. In this way of living, selfishness has ruled. The world of me has reigned...and, it has ruined.

It has hurt my daughter's heart.

And I feel sick.

I have one of those moments, and I realize my mothering failure.

Alone, I always fail.

Alone, I am selfish. Alone, I am tired and weak.

Alone...I ruin.

My daughter sobs harder, her tiny little body shaking with the hurt of her heart.

I stroke her hair, and feel her pain. My heart sobs too--for time lost, for tears missed, and moments thrown away.

How can being something so wonderful, be so hard? How can joy be lost amongst the greatest joys in life? How can I cut little pieces of heart without knowing I'm holding the scissors? How can I see in the dark? How can I fight when I'm tired?

Some people call this life. I call it...living unintentionally.

I ruin, unintentionally.

I am selfish, unintentionally.

I am tired and weak and I fail, unintentionally.

But unintentional isn't life. And life isn't about me. And I've been living unintentionally.

Life is love....
....Life is intentional.

I can intentionally choose to dwell among the flowers. I can intentionally choose to see the beauty in the ugly. I can choose to intentionally love.

And I am thankful. Thankful to hear the cries of my daughter's heart. Thankful to feel grace that is given. Thankful for the love that encompasses. Thankful to have life to live. And thankful to have love to give.

Intentionally, I tune into my daughter's sobs and my fingers caress her golden hair. I let her feel her ache. My heart sympathizes. She knows. And she burrows in my lap. Our hearts reconnect.

And I am thankful again. Thankful for eyes opened. Thankful for hearts restored. Thankful for love lost.

Intentionally, I wait until she's expressed all that hurt inside her heart. The cries have words and I intentionally listen.

I intentionally love. And she knows.

And it makes all the difference in the world.

Color-Changing Flowers

Vienna has been especially snuggly the last couple of weeks. It's not like her to just climb up on my lap for the sake of sitting there, but she's been doing it a lot lately, asking to be held, and I have not minded one little bit. She's getting so big and I love to steal any moment I can to snuggle her. Most of the times she chats away about one thing or another and likes to rub my face or give me kisses in the moments of lull between sentences. Today was a cute little moment when she wanted to sit on my lap after naptime and asked me if Finley was still sleeping. I told her he was.

"Is he dreaming?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe. Did you have a dream when you were sleeping?"

She nodded her head. (She has never told me she's dreamt before...)

"What did you dream about?"

"Flowers."

"Oh really? What about flowers?"

She thought for a minute. "They were blue and white and pink..."

"Ooh, they sound pretty."

"Yeah, they were beautiful flowers, Mommy. They were blue, then white, then pink. They changed colors!"

"Wow. That's sounds amazing."

"Yeah, they were beautiful." Then she paused.... "I love you mommy."


This girl melts my heart over and over again every day. I just love seeing her learn how to express herself, her thoughts and feelings...she's more like a kid now than a toddler and its so fun to see her blossom.


(Later in the day she asked to paint and went to work with her brush and paper. While I was doing some cleaning she came to show me her finished product and explained to me that she painted a picture of her dream....she only used blue, white and pink paint and told me they were color changing flowers.)


Must've been a great dream.

Happy 1st Birthday, Finley!

Dear Finley,

It was a year ago when I met you for the first time, my sweet baby boy. I will never forget holding you to my chest, my hands were the first to touch your soft baby skin and you fit perfectly into my arms. Your hair was matted and curly and your cry was like the sweetest music I had ever heard.

You're one, and I can hardly believe it! These 12 months flew by...you went from being a tiny little baby who fit perfectly on my chest, to a big boy who can feed himself and put himself to sleep. You began conquering your first roll-over and before I knew it...you started walking. Where did the time go? I may not have documented all those precious moments as much as I would've liked to...but they will always be in my heart and I will never forget my beautiful boy, who, despite all the ups and down with stomach issues and long sleepless nights, displayed strength and contentment through it all. You have always been relaxed and content, even in the midst of labor--and your strength has been evident from the beginning.

You are absolutely wonderful. And I am so blessed to be your mommy. You started walking when you were 11 months old and now you are basically running. All those first milestones this past year you figured out on your own and tackled like a pro. You amaze me. You're contentment in whatever you're doing and your desire to explore has shown me to enjoy life more fully. You occupy yourself and I often find you playing with everything that is not a toy...not tearing it apart, but figuring out what it does or what you can do with it. You are smart, I am amazed at how much you understand when I talk to you...like when I suggest going outside and you bring me your shoes, or when I ask for something in your hand and you give it to me, or when you take off for your room when I say it's nigh-night. You repeat words that surprise me, and besides calling for mommy and daddy you frequently say the words "hot" "yuck" and "thank you." No matter what I do, you are entirely fascinated with the toilet and the trash...I think it must be a boy thing. :)

You are such a sweet boy, you show love so generously with your snuggles and kisses, and your concern for others when they're upset (especially your sister) is evident.  You are very receptive and the mood of the people around you influences you greatly. Your smile is still my favorite thing about you--so contagious, big and full of of life. A smile is meant for your face, sweet boy, it says so much about you. You are such an important part of our family, we all love you so incredibly. You've made our life so full and happy. I am so thankful to have been able to watch you grow into a one-year-old, it was so fun to watch you conquer all your firsts and to see your personality unfold, I am so excited to see you develop and grow even more!

I love you Finny-boy! Happy Birthday!!!

Love,
Mommy

Some of your favorite things are: Playing with things in the kitchen cupboards, "chasing" your sister around the house, laughing at your daddy, dancing to music, going outside, being home, eating bananas and almond butter, listening to mommy sing, climbing the stairs and running around naked.

Mister Finley-Fin-Finny

A certain little someone is already 9-months-old.

He is crawling like a pro--and is fast! It took him about a week to master it, he started with just one little knee inch forward and then he would collapse and resort to rolling around and pushing/pulling himself to get where he wanted--a week later he put all the pieces together and took off--he hasn't stopped since!

The next day, since he decided crawling wasn't a challenge enough, he started pulling himself up on things. That was a little over a week ago--he is now walking along with things and has decided to test his balance several times by letting go with both hands to see how long he can stay standing. I absolutely love to see the look on his face when he does--it's a look of pure thrill, an adventure waiting to be unleashed. 

Finley is quite the explorer. Now that he has free reign, he is discovering the world in a whole new way. He is so anxious to get down and explore, as a result I think he believes nap time is his own personal hour to play in his crib. He once put himself to sleep consistently...that has changed. I'm hoping its just a phase. But I can't say that I mind rocking him all the time...I love snuggling my baby boy. 

He is 2 days pacifier free. I've been debating taking it away...he only fell asleep with it about 70% of the time anyway and he always plucked it out if he did. It was, more-or-less, me who liked the convenience it provided. I knew waiting to wean would just prove to be more difficult so I decided to slowly stop offering it to him and he hasn't had it at all for 2 days now. He did miss it but it was a fairly painless process...I am thankful! Vienna's weaning process was certainly not that easy and I took hers away at almost exactly the same age. 

We are discovering Finley and his personality and are enjoying seeing him grow into himself. I have learned that Finley is his own pace. He is easy going and just seems to really take in what's going on around him. He is happy just to be happy, and I find that the atmosphere of the people around him really affect his mood. He loves watching his sister play and laughs most at her than at anyone...sometimes he just starts laughing at whatever she's doing--she then, of course, makes a game of it to keep him laughing. I love seeing the two of them play together. He loves bath-time...he just books it towards the tub if he hears the water running. He is already attached to his blanket, he loves to snuggle his face in it while he sleeps. His favorite toy is probably the toy-piano in Vienna's room...he always goes for it first and plays with it repeatedly and longer than anything else. He also loves being naked. I mean, more so than any baby I've ever seen. He literally cries everytime I get him dress or try to put a diaper on him--it's like he's begging me to just let him run around nakey. When I do let him roam free he is so incredibly giddy--and putting clothes back on him is like WWIII. Finley is definitely a momma's boy--besides Andy, he's not too fond of anyone else holding him. His smile just lights up the room, any stranger that compliments him comments on his smile--its so contagious. He is loving the discovery of food--his favorites are a squash soup I make for the whole family, liver pate, avocado and applesauce. He drinks from a sippy cup and is learning how to feed himself. Just like everything else, he eats at his own pace--sometimes it's fast, but most of the time he lingers after each bite, chewing and enjoying the flavor. 

Our little munchkin is fearless. Vienna was so cautious when it came to things like crawling, standing and walking...she was quick to progress and a fast learner, but she didn't really try anything unless she was pretty sure she could do it. Our Finley? Nope. He just tries it, without much thought. And tries everything! With his wobbly legs and shaky balance he has the look on his face like, "Whoa...This. Is. Awesome!" Then he face-plants, looks at me as if to ask "Am I okay?" When I tell him he is, he stops crying and tries again. Haha...such a boy! :) 

a date, a fish, and a little girl.

Life has been a little chaotic for me lately. Unfortunately, it's affected my mothering capabilities and I've struggled with parenting out of reaction instead of with my heart. I had a wake-up call to this and realized how much Vienna has been hurting as a result. She is a pretty sensitive little girl and is pretty affected by the atmosphere, so the two of us have been off--I've been wondering why she's been giving me so much attitude and she was probably wondering if Mommy liked her or not. :( We were both in desperate need of some quality time together--uninterrupted--to connect. So we went on a little mother-daughter date. :)

It was pretty cute...Vienna picked out a dance dress to wear and insisted on bringing her purse with her wish-bear (new favorite stuffed animal) inside of it. And yes, she had to carry it everywhere with us. :)

She held onto my hand the entire time we were not in the car...it was obvious that she really needed the one-on-one time with me.

I took her to the store to look at pets...of course, we walked out with a little goldfish to take home--her first pet. Vienna named him "Sharky" and insisted that he come out to eat with us.

I obliged, and took Vienna and her fish out to dinner. She carried him to and from the car, the poor fish sloshing around inside the massive bag with her little kid steps and hops. Our waitress totally pleased Vienna by including Sharky in conversation, Vienna was pretty excited about him and checked on him in-between bites to make sure he was alive and swimming.

It was a simple date, but totally fun and I was able to give my 100% attention to her and just enjoy the time together. We colored at the restaurant, talked...she snuggled against me and totally soaked up the moments we had together. It really filled both our hearts, and she felt pretty special to have mommy's full attention. 

It just reminds me, yet again, of how important it is to stay connected with your children. It's so easy to fall into routine, say no all the time, react out of impulse, and get caught up in everyday life and to do's. But investing in their little souls is what's important...and I find that I constantly have to check myself and my attitude several times a day to make sure my heart is in the right place. A lot of times it's not. I'm working on it...

Parenting these delicate little souls is hard work...

Birthday Fun

Vienna has talked about her birthday since the snow started falling, which was very fun because she understood the concept and was super excited about it. I remember my third birthday...I wonder if she will remember hers. :) It sure was a fun day!

We didn't have a party this year, we decided to celebrate as a family. It was so nice, we got to completely focus on our birthday girl, make her feel totally special, and remember that monumental day three years ago when she came into our lives. I think she preferred 100% of our attention anyway, she loves people but gets a little overwhelmed in large crowds. 

A couple days before her birthday I took her to the store and let her pick out some party cups, napkins, plates and a birthday hat. She chose princesses (Cinderella) and picked the crown herself, (how that trumped Dora, I'm not sure...but she didn't even hesitate in choosing.) On the eve of her birthday we decorated the kitchen in streamers and balloons and put all her presents on the kitchen table for her to find in the morning. She knew exactly what day it was when she got up and came marching into my room saying, "Mom, it's my happy birthday!" And that was before she even saw the kitchen in the light and noticed the purple/pink explosion topped with presents.

The birthday girl :)

After all, turning 3 is kind of a big deal...

Especially for little princesses. 

She felt totally special all day long, which is exactly how a birthday should be. :) She had so much fun, playing with mommy and daddy and Finley. She loved her presents and spent the whole day rotating between them. She wore her princess crown the entire day (in fact, it's been glued to her head pretty much ever since.) She was especially excited about her happy birthday cake...which I sneakily fashioned a GAPS version out of squash, eggs, honey and butter. However, she didn't know any different, thought it was the greatest thing ever and savored every bite. 

These pictures are my favorite kind of birthday pictures. Haha :)

We asked Vienna some questions at the breakfast table to look back on in later years and remember how her answers change from year to year:

What is your favorite...

COLOR: Red & Blue

FOOD: Pancakes & Squash
FRUIT: Orange

TOY: Minnie Mouse (doll)

THING TO DO: Play pretend

MOVIE: Tinkerbell

GAME: new birthday game (princess dominos)

SONG: Twinkle, Twinkle

BOOK: One Duck Stuck
THING TO WEAR: Dance Dress
ANIMAL: Bear
DRINK: Kefir

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: a princess

After all...turning 3 is a pretty big deal. :)

3-Years-Old

Dear Vienna,

You are 3!!! Wow! You're growing into such a beautiful little girl. I feel so blessed to have seen you change, learn, and develop into the little person you are over these last three years. It is such an honor to be your mom. You bring so much joy to my life, everyday you make my heart melt, I love you and I feel so lucky to have the privilege of being your mother.

You are so beautiful, your spirit is full of love for life. You are so smart, you amaze me at how much you understand and how quickly you learn. One of my favorite things about you is your connection to the people around you. You feel, you relate, and you care. Sometimes I wonder if you get things way beyond your years. You're compassionate, loving, thoughtful and entirely joyful. You like to make people laugh and feed off of the energy in the room. I love to hear you talk and laugh. You are very independent, you love to do things by yourself and are always wanting to help in whatever is happening. I am so proud of you and the little girl you've developed into, and I am so excited to see what awaits you this next year.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. I love you so very much.
-Mommy

Birth day (two hours old)

 1st Birthday

2nd Birthday

3rd Birthday

Some of your favorite things to do are: play with your babies--you spend so much of the day putting them to sleep, rocking them, and playing with them. You love to do crafts, coloring, playdoh, stamps...you also love puzzles and games--we play a lot of of hide-and-seek, candy land, and the memory game. You love to snuggle with mommy and daddy, and of course your "B", and now your bear and spider monkey. You love to help mommy in the kitchen. You love to play pretend, you are always making up some sort of adventure you are on and pretending to have tea parties. You like to talk and you like to be silly. One of your favorite things is to dance, sing and listen to music, you like to make up songs and sing to the ones you know. You ask to wear a "dance dress" almost everyday. And you love to hide on your daddy when he comes home from work just because you love the thrill of him finding you. :)